I went runnin today and I can't stand this damn weather, it's hot then cold, cold then hot, it rains, it snows, it floods it transforms into an truck... Aggrrrh!
I'm now home and I'm watchin Dick Tracey whilst typin this up and the last post! Dick Tracey is a way cool film and years ago my ex-Spam (not her real name, it's Sam) got me into the soundtrack before the film and it'sa damn goof, funny CD!
It also got me into Madonna, but I haven't touched her last couple of albums! I went off her about 'Music' time! I'll probably pick up her newer ones when she's less popular again.
The films got some cool cameo's from Dick Van Dyke, Dustin Hoffman (Mumbles) and Al Pacino (Big Boy) two of my fave actors, though I prefer Hoffman as a person to his films and Pacino kicks ass and is so much better than that stinkhole Bob DeNiro. There's an actor I think's totaly overated! I enjoyed him in Heat, cause Pacino is in that film and I enjoyed Cape Fear but the other films ie. Taxi Driver and Raging Bull leave me cold. It's a shame he's in some good films, but he's usually average in them Godfather Part 2, The Untouchables etc. He was funny in The adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle though, but that was helped by the gut Rene Russo, Piper Perabo and a moose and squirrel!
Back to the movie!
Sunday 29 July 2007
BLUENOTES is crap
BLUENOTES is crap
Last night I went to one of the shitest clubs I have ever had the misfortune to prop up! The night didn’t start well when I went round my girlfriend’s and was told we had to go straight away as we were meeting people in Lowestoft and we were then going somewhere else. I knew we were going to a pub but I didn’t know about the club after. I really like this pub; it plays cool music and seems pretty chilled out. So I was hoping to stay there and grab some food later.
So my nose was put out of joint straight away but I sucked it in, as a man has to do, cause I hate suprises and stuff (especially when I'm havin to drive and work out where to park.)
So we turn up and the fuckers aren’t there, so I drive 'like a kid without a dad' to get there and they don’t arrive till a while later! Utter cum-gullets, they’d told her to rush!
Later we go to this shithole ‘BLUENOTES’ and they charge £4 to get in, now I come from the old school of a pub is free to get in and has music that you can choose and a nightclubs generally play utter shite. I used to pay £2 to get into clubs when I was young and I liked the music and enjoyed the night, but I was also totally off my tits on booze and was trying to pull women. Now I can’t drink, cause I’m driving and I’ve got a lovely girl.
And I was right the club was shit, and I left and met up with my missus later. But I won’t go into that cause that was all arse about face trying to meet up with someone without their phone on them. Christ knows how I coped as a kid without a phone; people must have died back then.
Last night I went to one of the shitest clubs I have ever had the misfortune to prop up! The night didn’t start well when I went round my girlfriend’s and was told we had to go straight away as we were meeting people in Lowestoft and we were then going somewhere else. I knew we were going to a pub but I didn’t know about the club after. I really like this pub; it plays cool music and seems pretty chilled out. So I was hoping to stay there and grab some food later.
So my nose was put out of joint straight away but I sucked it in, as a man has to do, cause I hate suprises and stuff (especially when I'm havin to drive and work out where to park.)
So we turn up and the fuckers aren’t there, so I drive 'like a kid without a dad' to get there and they don’t arrive till a while later! Utter cum-gullets, they’d told her to rush!
Later we go to this shithole ‘BLUENOTES’ and they charge £4 to get in, now I come from the old school of a pub is free to get in and has music that you can choose and a nightclubs generally play utter shite. I used to pay £2 to get into clubs when I was young and I liked the music and enjoyed the night, but I was also totally off my tits on booze and was trying to pull women. Now I can’t drink, cause I’m driving and I’ve got a lovely girl.
And I was right the club was shit, and I left and met up with my missus later. But I won’t go into that cause that was all arse about face trying to meet up with someone without their phone on them. Christ knows how I coped as a kid without a phone; people must have died back then.
Saturday 28 July 2007
28th July New
I've only just set this blog up kids. I used to have a lovely "webshite" that has now gone to the great peanut in the sky and it was damn good. I've added some of the rants that I used to write to this lovely blog. I might put the cartoons up at some point but only when i get the time. I'll try and update this site every so often even though I'm using crud old dial up connections and my girlfreind whinges that I'm only on the net for porn!!!
14 Rants - May 2002
1:Mariah Carey - Being voted the person people would like to disappear? She's all right, she hasn't done anything wrong except wear skimpy clothes, least she's not a skinny bint. Surely George W. Bush needs to fuck off!
2:Star Wars Episode II - Is anything real in this film? It's all computer done. I prefer episodes 3,4 and 5. Forget the new films were made.
3:Lord of the Rings - Finally got around to seeing it, and well it's DULL!!! I can't belive kids went to see this film, there were about two good action bits and that was it.
4:ITV Digital - Good ridance to bad rubbish. See you in the dole queue little monkey.
5:The Queen Mum - Farewell old reptile.
6:Local hero Bruno Peak - Please die soon you sad little man. Your millenium beacons have now become Jubilee beacons. You are a one trick pony, your days are numbered.
7:Jubilee partys - Good while your all out in the street the burglars will be able to rob your house.
8:Eastenders again - Was there a decent plot so far this year. Sonia's baby? Yawn.
9:A certain girl - You know who you are but still you ignore how I feel about you, I text you and you can't be arsed to respond properly. I give up on you! Your loss. And your current boyf is a dick and treats you shitty!
10:Unemployment pay - After paying my rent I have £26 a fortnight to spend on food, bills and other stuff, but hang on I also have my £48 council tax. How does £26 go into £48? "Do you except a minus number cash altenative Mr Shopkeeper?"
11:Council paying my Rent and Council Tax - don't take all day about it I just spent my £26 on my monthly food allowance!!!
12:Bank Holidays - Still boring as shit and the Tv's not up to much.
13:The Vault - sounds shit, will probably be shit!
14:Big Brother 3 - Stop before it gets shitter. We don't have enough time to watch the show, or to watch things that are on to many times a week.
2:Star Wars Episode II - Is anything real in this film? It's all computer done. I prefer episodes 3,4 and 5. Forget the new films were made.
3:Lord of the Rings - Finally got around to seeing it, and well it's DULL!!! I can't belive kids went to see this film, there were about two good action bits and that was it.
4:ITV Digital - Good ridance to bad rubbish. See you in the dole queue little monkey.
5:The Queen Mum - Farewell old reptile.
6:Local hero Bruno Peak - Please die soon you sad little man. Your millenium beacons have now become Jubilee beacons. You are a one trick pony, your days are numbered.
7:Jubilee partys - Good while your all out in the street the burglars will be able to rob your house.
8:Eastenders again - Was there a decent plot so far this year. Sonia's baby? Yawn.
9:A certain girl - You know who you are but still you ignore how I feel about you, I text you and you can't be arsed to respond properly. I give up on you! Your loss. And your current boyf is a dick and treats you shitty!
10:Unemployment pay - After paying my rent I have £26 a fortnight to spend on food, bills and other stuff, but hang on I also have my £48 council tax. How does £26 go into £48? "Do you except a minus number cash altenative Mr Shopkeeper?"
11:Council paying my Rent and Council Tax - don't take all day about it I just spent my £26 on my monthly food allowance!!!
12:Bank Holidays - Still boring as shit and the Tv's not up to much.
13:The Vault - sounds shit, will probably be shit!
14:Big Brother 3 - Stop before it gets shitter. We don't have enough time to watch the show, or to watch things that are on to many times a week.
Rants/September 2001 to May 2002
THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Rants from between September 2001 to May 2002
1: The Mummy film/cartoon - Oh just rip off Indiana Jones very badly why don't you. After watching the Indiana Trilogy I realised how poor the mummy films actually were.
2: Bin Laden - Happy X-mas wherever you may be!
3: Skateboarders - Fuckin' vermin.
4: 'Spiderman' in May - You twats, your putting it up against 'Star Wars Episode II', just because you had to edit out the Twin Towers.
5: Eastenders - Was there a decent plot this year. Phils baby? Yawn.
6: The Weather - It's bloomin freezing.
7: Lying Newspapers - Obviously making up everything about Terrorism, but saying that 'Something about Mary' was going to be on over X-mas. It wasn't!
8: Bin Bags - Lazy dustman can't get out of bed like the rest of us to work on New Years eve and so the streets are like London during the plague.
9: ITV moving stuff in the schedules - Taking off 'The Hunt for Red October' to show a prog about Sarah's Law (fuck Sarah, Oh he did). Then the same night showing 'Night and Day' later to put on a 'Pop Idol' special. Why?
10: The cinema not showing Spy Game - Has 'Harry Potter', 'Mean Machine' and other shite but not the fims I want to see.
11: Shit X-mas Tele - 'Only fools would watch this', 'Who wants to cut there hair' and Wanking with Dinosaurs (sorry The Lost world). Only an idiot would watch this shite and they did in there millions!
12: New SMTV Live - One crap blonde female presenter and a gimp campy bloke I could be talking about the Saturday show.
13: Work - A load of crap. We get bugger all time off over the New year and so I give back my respect with shitty work!
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 18/11/01
1: Terrorism Bill - Absolute crap. It's a travesty that this was allowed through! "They will never take away are freedom." Oh they have!
2: Jobcentre - Sent me a letter saying I didn't apply for a job in September and now they can stop my money. I can't even remember that far back. Anyway I did apply for it and I have a rejection letter. Told jobcentre this and they say I'm the second person to have this problem! Idiots!
3: "Fuck the Police" - Absolute cunts at the moment. Can't say why but they should be arresting people who commit crimes and not set people up, especially at Christmas!
4: Friendsreunited websites - Good idea, but not when you see all your mates doing the same old thing. "I'm married, have kids, work in finance and am very happy." Dull,dull,dull. Our parents did this and are they happy? NO!
5: Planes just blowing up? - Not suspicious at all. And don't spread rumours it was terrorists just yet. Why? You did straight away after September 11th. And we still have no concrete evidence it was the Taliban.
6: Anthrax 1 - Just like Foot and Mouth, a suspicious arrival and then it stops. Government cover-up, I think so.
7: Fireworks - Don't ban fireworks because of global terrorism, ban them because they are f-ing irritating. And people, stop setting them off after 11pm some people need to sleep. And still using fireworks two weeks after bonfire night makes you a spaz!
8: Anthrax 2 - If I was going to spread it I'd put it in Coke or McDonalds food. Not that I'm encouraging terrorists to do it, though they'd wipe out loads of stupid people. Second thoughts put it in Sunny D.
9: Films that continue after the news - I thought this went out with the plague? We hate it when you do this, so don't.
10: Adverts trying to be ironic/sarcastic - Trying to be ironic by throwing loads of cash at ironic advert idea is the real irony, isn't it?
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THE TOP SEVEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 4/11/01
1: Celebrity 'What's Goin' On' - You should be ashamed if you took part. Originaaly a song for Aids charities then Sept 11th attacks. Totally spoiled by crap rapping about how we should fight back. Marvin Gaye is turning in his grave as the lyrics clearly say, "WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER." Fred Durst sings the worst bit of the song. You bring shame on your households! But it's for the kids!
2: George W Bush - George 'Monkey boy' Bush you are a silly little man who wants to be remembered for being a hero and not for ignoring the Kyoto environment agreement, and for walking out of the Durban conference on racism. Did I forget to mention he cheated getting elected by ignoring Black votes? And he also insisted on restarting the arms race and this was mentioned before September 11th, did he know something?
3: Banning computer games - If I want to crash a computer plane into a building it's my right to do so in the privacy of my own home. "Hey, lets burn books while we're at it."
4: TV Terrorism - The media complaining that it's not a TV war and the footage is crap for them to show. "Oh I'm so sorry... It's such a shame you can't put these attacks to music like you did with the towers falling. You could have played Adamski's 'Killer' or Michael Jackson's 'Rock my World' as the bombs hit there targets."
5: George W Bush again - "You look like a monkey, and you live in the zoo". George is an evil devil child just like his Dad, and it's his George Snr's fault in the first place that Bin Laden is so well trained. The CIA helped train the fucker and now they have to cover up what they messed up. You shit sir!
6: Northern Ireland school protests - It's not about religion anymore it's all about stuberness, refusing to change and stupidity. If you don't respect others and live and let live you will never have peace. I can't see the next generation changing either. And now they want to extend a wall that seperates the two. Why not add a sniper tower, checkpoint and concentration camp while your at it?
7: Anthrax - 'Bring the Noise' with Public Enemy was the best song they did. But poisoning the US and killing a man is going to drop album sales.
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 26/08/01
1: Embrace - All your songs sound the same and you always write identical choruses that you think have a sing along quality to them, like Oasis in the old days, but they suck, just like Oasis.
2: Buses - Too hot and too packed.
3: My local newsagents - Last Sunday it smelt of (a)piss, (b)someone who died, (c)toxic waste or (d) a,b and c? I don't know what happened but it was answer (d).
4: Q magazine - Used to be good but is now turning into rubbish Select, NME and Kerrang. M and M and Limp Biscuit have been on the cover and rubbish Feeder and Slip Not have been inside. Select died because it turned into Kerrang/Smash hits don't let Q go the same way.
5: ITV Premiership Football Week 2 - More football, less viewers!!! Hoorah for the public!
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS (In case I'm late here's two lots) - Week ending 19/08/01
1: Strobe pissing - having to wee in toilets with flicking lights is not fun it's scarey and you need to be accurate.
2: Eastenders x4 - I have to much to do at the weekend, I don't want to spend more time cathching up on what I missed.
3: Lust - It's too hot to be lusting after beautiful girls even if they are wearing tiny, tiny denim shorts.
4: Being layed off - It's not just being layed off, it's how they did it. they gave us a standard letter and a weeks notice, that's it. Fuck you!
5: Stuff - "The things you own, they end up owning you". I have so much crap that it would take ages to properly dust or move house. It sucks!
6: Work Bonuses - The quicker I do my work but with the less care and attention the bigger my bonus was, "That's just crazy!"
7: Rubbish Planet of the Apes ending - It's just shit compared to the original. Tim Burton you bring shame on your scruffy head.
8: The Jobcentre fool - This guy went crazy because he refused to fill out any forms, and then he tore up some paper that he didn't want to fill in. Turns out he didn't have to fill in that bit anyway. Fool!
9: ITV Premiership Football Week 1 - 28 minutes of football in a 75 minute show, 4.3 million viewers and falling. Told you so!
10: Crap ITV USA magic shows - Hi! I'm the voice of Skinner in the 'X-files', I was also in the half good film 'Shocker'. Welcome to a crap magic show with lame old magic tricks that we have livened up by putting the magician in a mask, getting sexy ladies as assistants, and showing you how to do the rubbish trick, thus spoiling your enjoyment.
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS (I'm late here's two lots) - Week ending 12/07/01
1: Brasseye - It made me roar with the laughter, and everyone I know. Fuck the gutter press and people who didn't see it.
2: 'Helen' Big Brother - Stupidity should not be held in esteem. Lucky she didn'y get her stupid hands on £70,000.
3: Survivor - Because it's a stinking pile of... Oh sorry it's ended. Forget what I was saying then. I'll stop talking about this show now!
4: Eastenders - 5 billion times a week, now even less plots. Sharon picks fluff from the carpet while Mark counts the tablets from the doctors when suddenly Ian picks his nose!
5: ITV's Saturday evening football - We hate football, there's digital for that. One good reason for getting a life and going out I suppose.
6: Survivor 2 - You fucking what. It was shit, a sequel won't make it any bigger.
7: X-box - Is this cool. NO!
8: The Queen Mum - She's not ROBOCOP. It's time to stop sticking her back together and let her rest in peace.
9: Atomic Kitten - For ruining Eternal Flame. You can't even sing the high notes. And Jenny Frost should stop having her tiny breasts falling out all over the shop.
10: Bombs in summer - Fuck off terrorists.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 29/07/01
1: Weather - Hot, hot, hot, raining, hot, freezing. Where's the middle weather?
2: Davina McCall - Just have the baby. Stop being on every show, you know you peaked on Gods Gift, so stop now.
3: Kate Thornton - Also on everything. Stop smoking you rubbish presenter.
4: Infections - Antibiotics do not clear up everything, I can tell you!
5: Spiders in toilets - They are going to jump on me when I squat my bott. I will shit myself, but at least I'm in the right place! Demons, evil!!!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 22/07/01
1: Spiderman.sony website - Has the trailer for the new movie, but I didn't see it as it crashed my computer. Is that my spidersense tingling? No, it's a nervous twinge.
2: Jurrassic Park III - Why for christs sake?
3: Carol Vorderman - Your getting to big for your boots now, leave the net alone. Back to being fat and frumpy 'Plain Jane Superbrain!
4: Home and Away - The greatest soap ever! But it's on Channel 5, which I can't get.
5: Facial hair - Almost a beard except for that patchy bit on the side of the face. And half a mutton chop sideburn. Cheers face!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 15/07/01
1: Robert Downey Jnr - Sort it out Rob. We want you back on the screen! You ruled in Ally McBeal.
2: The Good Friday Agreement - It was agreed on when dinosaurs rules the earth, no guns were ever handed in, people still got killed and they want to work on it again. Like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. "Get out, get the firebrigade out, and stay out!"
3: Garry Bushell - A twat, and two R's in his name!!
4: 'The Sun' - I didn't realise that they once had a fifteen year old girl strip each day until her sixteenth bithday when she got her baps out. Paedophiles, not the sun!
5: Big Brother 3 ? - It's a bit much now. Stop before it becomes Survivor.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 08/07/01
1: Surviror - Is it still on it's really rubbish. Why would anybody care about people being angry. Oops, I've done myself out of a job there! Destinys Child did a better and shorter song on the subject. Lucy Sullivan still isn't married - Shit but compulsive after work veiwing
2: Paul - Big Brothers Paul is like a teenage boy flirting and fighting with Helen, but being to scared to push it further. Big G better kick his ass. And his comments on Josh verged on Homophobic, Josh should of brushed of his hug and told him to F-OFF.
3: People who talk to much - Just get to the point, I don't care about little details.
4: No DVD extras - I don't have a 'Dick Van Dyke' machine but what's the point of the technology if you don't get all the extras. How about a free booklet!
5: GMTV'S 'Get up and Give' - No thanks!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 01/07/01
1: Ignoring Health and Safety practices - When theres an air conditioning unit leaking next to my computer, putting a bucket next to it to catch water is not the proper safety response. It is if you work at my company. Idiot!
2: Computers - So slow and they crash! The technology of the future? Not if there's a powercut or you type to quickly.
3: Dust - It's is annoying and makes you sneeze and cough. Cleaning it up brings it back x2.
4: No summer - Not a bad thing except we get all the rain instead.
5: Not being able to sleep - I get in from work, I'm wide awake and it's nearly midnight. And only Channel 4 has good shows on.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 24/06/01
1: GMTV - Jill Dando's killer is branded as everything under the son, but worse, they used the word eccentric. which they made out to be linked with sicko's and paedophiles. I like eccentric people don't use this word with this story.
2: Work - I work my ass off, and I get a fair bit of cash, but I end up neglecting the house, internet, hobbies and music. If this is the real world I have retirement to look forward to. If I was currently in a relationship I'd have to ignore her too. I might get time then to listen to some of the albums I got for my birthday. I'm 24 now, did you get me a present, No!
3: Global Brand corruption - I've just read 'No Logo', and I feel ashamed to wearing Nike trainers! And I don't eat at McDonalds , but I do eat meat. I'M NOT A HIPPIE!!!
4: TV's Trisha - A forum for stupidity. When should stupidity be rewarded.
5: Waiting for phone calls - Hang on while I put my life on hold.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 17/06/01
1: Stereotyping me! - Just because I read a David Icke book, people should stop saying that all my theories on life etc are conspiracies and from that, "bloody Icke bloke". David Icke is a top bloke don't use his name in vain.
2: Finding churches funny - I'm sorry but it wasn't nerves at a funeral that made me have a big grin. It was funny, I haven't been in a church for a long time and all the stuff about God and Jesus seemed so out of date. I'm not knocking faith it might work for some, but I've read stuff recently that has knocked religion and me off my feet. Hello Vatican corruption...
3: Voting - I wasn't going to and then changed my mind. Locally we only had Labour, Conservative and Green. So I had to vote green as they were less evil, even though I don't agree with all they say!
3: Politicains - Cheap shot but I don't care who is running for the Conservative top seat. The insiders and spin doctors allready know who is going to win.
4: Hookers - Well not hookers but girls who are under 15, dressed like hookers. It's not big or clever raiding your mothers make up box. "How much for a quick one?"
5: Television - Stop cancelling programmes to show specials. ITV, you always take off shows to have a Trevor McDonald exclusive.
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Weeks ending 03/06/01 TO 10/06/01 (I'VE BEEN SLACKING!)
1: Colds - I have all the symptoms of heyfever but It's just a cold that I have. And where is all that snot form my nose coming from?
2: Survivor again - You pulled Lucy Sullivan because it was shit so do the same with this. I don't want to know how much money was thrown at the advertising, it's as dead as the rats they killed.
3: Voting - To be honest whats the point? We fought two wars to make your vote count, you shouldn't have bothered!
4: The Library - Some bastard hasn't brought the book I wanted back yet and it's overdue. Where's my David Icke book?
5: Junk mail - Can I have some real letters now.
6: New Skateboarders - I hate New Skateboarders as much as New Metal. They where thick wooly hats and hooded tops in the blazing sun (the new equivalant of goths) and get in the way of everything. Give it a year and they'll join the next fad.
7: Work - It's hot and they've run out of water for the 'water cooler', we will all die...
8: Prince - Listened to most of his old albums and now know that he's not as good 'now' as he used to be.
9: BBC1 - Showing David Fincher's 'Seven' next week, in two parts? This isn't like the cinema in the old days where they'd swap film reels and you could piss on an ice-cream (or have a piss and get an ice-cream even!).
10: Rants - When you don't do them every week you forget what you were angry about, and as you can see the rants are a bit weak this time!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 27/05/01
1:ITV's Survivor - It's not Big Brother, stop trying to make it into something really big by mass media hype. Stop the papers naming someone Nasty Nick (like Big Brother). It gets beaten in the ratings by a gardening show.
2: Big Bother 2 - Luckily I've been working so I haven't seen the even bigger hype of this. It won't be as good as the first one and now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon like it's new!.
3: The election campaign - Lies all lies!
4: Late night tv - Not as good as it used to be. Where's 'Cue the music', 'Get Stuffed', 'God's Gift', 'Sienfeld' or 'The Gary Shandling Show' (Larry Sanders).
5: Music pre-release hype - "Is it out in the shops yet? No it's out in two months time". So why can I hear it on the radio. Idiots!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 20/05/01
1: My new job - It sucks making maps on computers, I've been there a week and they expect me to know how to do everything. Twats!.
2: John Prescott - Doesn't everyone think he's a good bloke now he's smacked someone. I bleeding don't, I don't agree with most of the adult population then. And everyone saying the bloke he hit was a hippy, shut up, you don't know anyhing.
3: BBC1 - For taking off the programme about Oaklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh. Channel 4 showed an excellent documentary but I wanted to compare it with the BBC's one sided account, probably.
4: Time - Far to slow when you want it to speed up and bloody fast when your having fun! You suck time.
5: The General Election and all that goes with it - Don't tell me I should vote. Locally we will probably only get Labour and Conservative. Why should I be forced to vote Labour, the lesser of two evils when they are still shit. I feel bad for voting them in... Your all rubbish at local level and corrupt higher up.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 13/05/01
1: Starting new Jobs - The first day is always really tense and you feel like you can't hold down any food. The day is really, really long and you have to alter your sleep pattern to get up and you didn't sleep very well anyway.
2: The Bafta Awards - Rubbish Ali G got an award, and all the media cared about was the dress that girl from Hollyoaks wasn't wearing and Tamzin Outhwaite's backless dress. And Emmerdale won best soap!
3: Having 3 phone calls in a row - I get in from work, cook tea and then sit my depressed arse down to have the phone go three times. I wanted a bit of quiet time for myself, but nooooooo!!!
4: That Lottery couple - Shut up already, 'Camelot' hate you and so do the public.
5: FBI mistakes - Forgetting to give the prosecution team for the Oklahoma bomber trial 'three Thousand bits of evidence'. Did they forget and it was just cluttering up an entire room. Oh and have they killed anyone innocent lately, No? Give it time!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 06/05/01
1: Sara Cox - Is she drunk? When I hear her on the Radio and she gets excited I can't understand a word she says. She's the new un-funny Zoe Ball (she wasn't much cop either just look at the Priory!). And piss off Emma B (the un-funny Sara Cox).
2: Chris Evans marrying Billie - As a fan of Billie this angers me much. She's young so I'll catch her on the rebound. I give it a year.
3: Crap neighbours - It's Monday, it's time to put the bin bags out the front of your house and they've left theirs for three weeks at the back of the house. Your not old, and you leave your washing out for four days. Fucking retards. I'm waiting for the rats to come.
4: Ronnie Biggs - Fuck off, we don't want has been robbers sucking up our money in prison. Sun newspaper be ashamed of youselves.
5: Big Breakfast - Even the rats have left this sinking ship, (to live with my neighbours). Asking viewers to send in letters on how to save the show and then insulting their comments is sad. Richard Bacon you used to be funny, say hello to Live TV2. Donna Air needs putting down, say hello Byker Grove 2020.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 29/04/01
1: The Jobcentre rules - If you turn up to early then you can have your benifits stopped. I'm sorry, since when has being early ever been a bad thing. OK so during sex, yeah, but early for the jobcentre it shows your albe to get your arse moved for jobs!
2: Still Foot and Mouth - I don't care if Phoenix the calf has been saved and I care less about if it's in panto this year. What is the world coming to when a cow becomes famous for fifthteen minutes, Andy Warhol turns in his gracve.
3: Bad parents - On the bus again, where there was two teenagers with smelly dirty kids whom they ignored until one of the kids bashed themselves on the head with the seat in front. Why were the girls distracted? They were talking about boys. I'm sorry your not having sex ever again, you did it once got pregnant and that's bad enough. No more babies!
4:Racism - Nazi skinheaded Conservative leader William Hague, sort your party out. And Tony, don't think you deserve to be PM, you can't sort out Foot and Mouth!
5: Kids - Stop breaking my neighbours green house, you little fuckers don't even live around here you live in the 'Ghetto'.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 22/04/01
1: Television coverage of the Foot and Mouth Crisis - I was bored with it about ten months ago. And I don't want to see dead animals when I'm eating!
2: My Arse - It's quite sore and tender at the moment, but is the media interested, is it fuck. I don't see many email sympathy letters either.
3: Buses - The one I got on the other day stank of animal piss, and mobile phones kept going off. And someone closed the window because it was cold, better cold than getting a whiff of wee!
4: Wallpapering - The wall isn't straight, the paper is patterened, a mother isn't happy. It's not the end of the world love!
5: Job Interviews - I don't actually care about the history of the company I want to know how much I get payed. And don't pretend that the environments a happy family and that your a nice boss. "Why am I replacing the last person who left?"
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Things that will annoy me for life
1: Ex girlfriends - We don't get on anymore, and I tend to have nothing to do with the anymore, which doesn't help when you see them out of the blue and you both don't know what to say.
2: Songs from the past - Can bring back happier times, but usually make you depressed. Curse you music for making me this way.
3: A certain person - My arch nemisis dying in an accident. He was a good person but I disliked him for going out with my ex. When he died I was in America, and had been thinking about him and when I came back I heard the new and I was glad. But it's not nice to feel happy because of his family. Emotions can't be helped but I hope he's happy...
4: The Government - So evil that words cannot convey how I feel about them. I will say I'm ashamed to be British, and without swearing that insult is worse than any other.
5: Stupid people - Sadly they don't know who they are. You will see them on TV's 'Trisha', 'Kilroy' and 'Jerry Springer'. They are the ones shouting and swearing because they can't argue properly and they have no comprehension of earth language. They can be found fighting in clubs and pubs over the weekend.
6: The News - It's dumbed down, doesn't offer an unbiased view (just a white middle class view), makes you angry and doesn't ask the questions we want answers to, too the government.
7: Spelling - Not having a spelling function on notepad, that's why there are grammatical errors on my pages. Not because I can't spell of course,(I got two C's in English/English Lit).
8: The Big Breakfast - I just imagine it will annoy me for the rest of my life. The horror, the horror, the horror...
9: Teenagers/ young people - Now I'm grown up I hate them, they're not as nice as people used to be. They swear to old people, don't respect teachers, the police or people who don't agree with them. We should kill them all they will be bad parents and they're kids will be twice as worse!
1: The Mummy film/cartoon - Oh just rip off Indiana Jones very badly why don't you. After watching the Indiana Trilogy I realised how poor the mummy films actually were.
2: Bin Laden - Happy X-mas wherever you may be!
3: Skateboarders - Fuckin' vermin.
4: 'Spiderman' in May - You twats, your putting it up against 'Star Wars Episode II', just because you had to edit out the Twin Towers.
5: Eastenders - Was there a decent plot this year. Phils baby? Yawn.
6: The Weather - It's bloomin freezing.
7: Lying Newspapers - Obviously making up everything about Terrorism, but saying that 'Something about Mary' was going to be on over X-mas. It wasn't!
8: Bin Bags - Lazy dustman can't get out of bed like the rest of us to work on New Years eve and so the streets are like London during the plague.
9: ITV moving stuff in the schedules - Taking off 'The Hunt for Red October' to show a prog about Sarah's Law (fuck Sarah, Oh he did). Then the same night showing 'Night and Day' later to put on a 'Pop Idol' special. Why?
10: The cinema not showing Spy Game - Has 'Harry Potter', 'Mean Machine' and other shite but not the fims I want to see.
11: Shit X-mas Tele - 'Only fools would watch this', 'Who wants to cut there hair' and Wanking with Dinosaurs (sorry The Lost world). Only an idiot would watch this shite and they did in there millions!
12: New SMTV Live - One crap blonde female presenter and a gimp campy bloke I could be talking about the Saturday show.
13: Work - A load of crap. We get bugger all time off over the New year and so I give back my respect with shitty work!
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 18/11/01
1: Terrorism Bill - Absolute crap. It's a travesty that this was allowed through! "They will never take away are freedom." Oh they have!
2: Jobcentre - Sent me a letter saying I didn't apply for a job in September and now they can stop my money. I can't even remember that far back. Anyway I did apply for it and I have a rejection letter. Told jobcentre this and they say I'm the second person to have this problem! Idiots!
3: "Fuck the Police" - Absolute cunts at the moment. Can't say why but they should be arresting people who commit crimes and not set people up, especially at Christmas!
4: Friendsreunited websites - Good idea, but not when you see all your mates doing the same old thing. "I'm married, have kids, work in finance and am very happy." Dull,dull,dull. Our parents did this and are they happy? NO!
5: Planes just blowing up? - Not suspicious at all. And don't spread rumours it was terrorists just yet. Why? You did straight away after September 11th. And we still have no concrete evidence it was the Taliban.
6: Anthrax 1 - Just like Foot and Mouth, a suspicious arrival and then it stops. Government cover-up, I think so.
7: Fireworks - Don't ban fireworks because of global terrorism, ban them because they are f-ing irritating. And people, stop setting them off after 11pm some people need to sleep. And still using fireworks two weeks after bonfire night makes you a spaz!
8: Anthrax 2 - If I was going to spread it I'd put it in Coke or McDonalds food. Not that I'm encouraging terrorists to do it, though they'd wipe out loads of stupid people. Second thoughts put it in Sunny D.
9: Films that continue after the news - I thought this went out with the plague? We hate it when you do this, so don't.
10: Adverts trying to be ironic/sarcastic - Trying to be ironic by throwing loads of cash at ironic advert idea is the real irony, isn't it?
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THE TOP SEVEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 4/11/01
1: Celebrity 'What's Goin' On' - You should be ashamed if you took part. Originaaly a song for Aids charities then Sept 11th attacks. Totally spoiled by crap rapping about how we should fight back. Marvin Gaye is turning in his grave as the lyrics clearly say, "WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER." Fred Durst sings the worst bit of the song. You bring shame on your households! But it's for the kids!
2: George W Bush - George 'Monkey boy' Bush you are a silly little man who wants to be remembered for being a hero and not for ignoring the Kyoto environment agreement, and for walking out of the Durban conference on racism. Did I forget to mention he cheated getting elected by ignoring Black votes? And he also insisted on restarting the arms race and this was mentioned before September 11th, did he know something?
3: Banning computer games - If I want to crash a computer plane into a building it's my right to do so in the privacy of my own home. "Hey, lets burn books while we're at it."
4: TV Terrorism - The media complaining that it's not a TV war and the footage is crap for them to show. "Oh I'm so sorry... It's such a shame you can't put these attacks to music like you did with the towers falling. You could have played Adamski's 'Killer' or Michael Jackson's 'Rock my World' as the bombs hit there targets."
5: George W Bush again - "You look like a monkey, and you live in the zoo". George is an evil devil child just like his Dad, and it's his George Snr's fault in the first place that Bin Laden is so well trained. The CIA helped train the fucker and now they have to cover up what they messed up. You shit sir!
6: Northern Ireland school protests - It's not about religion anymore it's all about stuberness, refusing to change and stupidity. If you don't respect others and live and let live you will never have peace. I can't see the next generation changing either. And now they want to extend a wall that seperates the two. Why not add a sniper tower, checkpoint and concentration camp while your at it?
7: Anthrax - 'Bring the Noise' with Public Enemy was the best song they did. But poisoning the US and killing a man is going to drop album sales.
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 26/08/01
1: Embrace - All your songs sound the same and you always write identical choruses that you think have a sing along quality to them, like Oasis in the old days, but they suck, just like Oasis.
2: Buses - Too hot and too packed.
3: My local newsagents - Last Sunday it smelt of (a)piss, (b)someone who died, (c)toxic waste or (d) a,b and c? I don't know what happened but it was answer (d).
4: Q magazine - Used to be good but is now turning into rubbish Select, NME and Kerrang. M and M and Limp Biscuit have been on the cover and rubbish Feeder and Slip Not have been inside. Select died because it turned into Kerrang/Smash hits don't let Q go the same way.
5: ITV Premiership Football Week 2 - More football, less viewers!!! Hoorah for the public!
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS (In case I'm late here's two lots) - Week ending 19/08/01
1: Strobe pissing - having to wee in toilets with flicking lights is not fun it's scarey and you need to be accurate.
2: Eastenders x4 - I have to much to do at the weekend, I don't want to spend more time cathching up on what I missed.
3: Lust - It's too hot to be lusting after beautiful girls even if they are wearing tiny, tiny denim shorts.
4: Being layed off - It's not just being layed off, it's how they did it. they gave us a standard letter and a weeks notice, that's it. Fuck you!
5: Stuff - "The things you own, they end up owning you". I have so much crap that it would take ages to properly dust or move house. It sucks!
6: Work Bonuses - The quicker I do my work but with the less care and attention the bigger my bonus was, "That's just crazy!"
7: Rubbish Planet of the Apes ending - It's just shit compared to the original. Tim Burton you bring shame on your scruffy head.
8: The Jobcentre fool - This guy went crazy because he refused to fill out any forms, and then he tore up some paper that he didn't want to fill in. Turns out he didn't have to fill in that bit anyway. Fool!
9: ITV Premiership Football Week 1 - 28 minutes of football in a 75 minute show, 4.3 million viewers and falling. Told you so!
10: Crap ITV USA magic shows - Hi! I'm the voice of Skinner in the 'X-files', I was also in the half good film 'Shocker'. Welcome to a crap magic show with lame old magic tricks that we have livened up by putting the magician in a mask, getting sexy ladies as assistants, and showing you how to do the rubbish trick, thus spoiling your enjoyment.
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS (I'm late here's two lots) - Week ending 12/07/01
1: Brasseye - It made me roar with the laughter, and everyone I know. Fuck the gutter press and people who didn't see it.
2: 'Helen' Big Brother - Stupidity should not be held in esteem. Lucky she didn'y get her stupid hands on £70,000.
3: Survivor - Because it's a stinking pile of... Oh sorry it's ended. Forget what I was saying then. I'll stop talking about this show now!
4: Eastenders - 5 billion times a week, now even less plots. Sharon picks fluff from the carpet while Mark counts the tablets from the doctors when suddenly Ian picks his nose!
5: ITV's Saturday evening football - We hate football, there's digital for that. One good reason for getting a life and going out I suppose.
6: Survivor 2 - You fucking what. It was shit, a sequel won't make it any bigger.
7: X-box - Is this cool. NO!
8: The Queen Mum - She's not ROBOCOP. It's time to stop sticking her back together and let her rest in peace.
9: Atomic Kitten - For ruining Eternal Flame. You can't even sing the high notes. And Jenny Frost should stop having her tiny breasts falling out all over the shop.
10: Bombs in summer - Fuck off terrorists.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 29/07/01
1: Weather - Hot, hot, hot, raining, hot, freezing. Where's the middle weather?
2: Davina McCall - Just have the baby. Stop being on every show, you know you peaked on Gods Gift, so stop now.
3: Kate Thornton - Also on everything. Stop smoking you rubbish presenter.
4: Infections - Antibiotics do not clear up everything, I can tell you!
5: Spiders in toilets - They are going to jump on me when I squat my bott. I will shit myself, but at least I'm in the right place! Demons, evil!!!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 22/07/01
1: Spiderman.sony website - Has the trailer for the new movie, but I didn't see it as it crashed my computer. Is that my spidersense tingling? No, it's a nervous twinge.
2: Jurrassic Park III - Why for christs sake?
3: Carol Vorderman - Your getting to big for your boots now, leave the net alone. Back to being fat and frumpy 'Plain Jane Superbrain!
4: Home and Away - The greatest soap ever! But it's on Channel 5, which I can't get.
5: Facial hair - Almost a beard except for that patchy bit on the side of the face. And half a mutton chop sideburn. Cheers face!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 15/07/01
1: Robert Downey Jnr - Sort it out Rob. We want you back on the screen! You ruled in Ally McBeal.
2: The Good Friday Agreement - It was agreed on when dinosaurs rules the earth, no guns were ever handed in, people still got killed and they want to work on it again. Like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. "Get out, get the firebrigade out, and stay out!"
3: Garry Bushell - A twat, and two R's in his name!!
4: 'The Sun' - I didn't realise that they once had a fifteen year old girl strip each day until her sixteenth bithday when she got her baps out. Paedophiles, not the sun!
5: Big Brother 3 ? - It's a bit much now. Stop before it becomes Survivor.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 08/07/01
1: Surviror - Is it still on it's really rubbish. Why would anybody care about people being angry. Oops, I've done myself out of a job there! Destinys Child did a better and shorter song on the subject. Lucy Sullivan still isn't married - Shit but compulsive after work veiwing
2: Paul - Big Brothers Paul is like a teenage boy flirting and fighting with Helen, but being to scared to push it further. Big G better kick his ass. And his comments on Josh verged on Homophobic, Josh should of brushed of his hug and told him to F-OFF.
3: People who talk to much - Just get to the point, I don't care about little details.
4: No DVD extras - I don't have a 'Dick Van Dyke' machine but what's the point of the technology if you don't get all the extras. How about a free booklet!
5: GMTV'S 'Get up and Give' - No thanks!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 01/07/01
1: Ignoring Health and Safety practices - When theres an air conditioning unit leaking next to my computer, putting a bucket next to it to catch water is not the proper safety response. It is if you work at my company. Idiot!
2: Computers - So slow and they crash! The technology of the future? Not if there's a powercut or you type to quickly.
3: Dust - It's is annoying and makes you sneeze and cough. Cleaning it up brings it back x2.
4: No summer - Not a bad thing except we get all the rain instead.
5: Not being able to sleep - I get in from work, I'm wide awake and it's nearly midnight. And only Channel 4 has good shows on.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 24/06/01
1: GMTV - Jill Dando's killer is branded as everything under the son, but worse, they used the word eccentric. which they made out to be linked with sicko's and paedophiles. I like eccentric people don't use this word with this story.
2: Work - I work my ass off, and I get a fair bit of cash, but I end up neglecting the house, internet, hobbies and music. If this is the real world I have retirement to look forward to. If I was currently in a relationship I'd have to ignore her too. I might get time then to listen to some of the albums I got for my birthday. I'm 24 now, did you get me a present, No!
3: Global Brand corruption - I've just read 'No Logo', and I feel ashamed to wearing Nike trainers! And I don't eat at McDonalds , but I do eat meat. I'M NOT A HIPPIE!!!
4: TV's Trisha - A forum for stupidity. When should stupidity be rewarded.
5: Waiting for phone calls - Hang on while I put my life on hold.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 17/06/01
1: Stereotyping me! - Just because I read a David Icke book, people should stop saying that all my theories on life etc are conspiracies and from that, "bloody Icke bloke". David Icke is a top bloke don't use his name in vain.
2: Finding churches funny - I'm sorry but it wasn't nerves at a funeral that made me have a big grin. It was funny, I haven't been in a church for a long time and all the stuff about God and Jesus seemed so out of date. I'm not knocking faith it might work for some, but I've read stuff recently that has knocked religion and me off my feet. Hello Vatican corruption...
3: Voting - I wasn't going to and then changed my mind. Locally we only had Labour, Conservative and Green. So I had to vote green as they were less evil, even though I don't agree with all they say!
3: Politicains - Cheap shot but I don't care who is running for the Conservative top seat. The insiders and spin doctors allready know who is going to win.
4: Hookers - Well not hookers but girls who are under 15, dressed like hookers. It's not big or clever raiding your mothers make up box. "How much for a quick one?"
5: Television - Stop cancelling programmes to show specials. ITV, you always take off shows to have a Trevor McDonald exclusive.
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THE TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS - Weeks ending 03/06/01 TO 10/06/01 (I'VE BEEN SLACKING!)
1: Colds - I have all the symptoms of heyfever but It's just a cold that I have. And where is all that snot form my nose coming from?
2: Survivor again - You pulled Lucy Sullivan because it was shit so do the same with this. I don't want to know how much money was thrown at the advertising, it's as dead as the rats they killed.
3: Voting - To be honest whats the point? We fought two wars to make your vote count, you shouldn't have bothered!
4: The Library - Some bastard hasn't brought the book I wanted back yet and it's overdue. Where's my David Icke book?
5: Junk mail - Can I have some real letters now.
6: New Skateboarders - I hate New Skateboarders as much as New Metal. They where thick wooly hats and hooded tops in the blazing sun (the new equivalant of goths) and get in the way of everything. Give it a year and they'll join the next fad.
7: Work - It's hot and they've run out of water for the 'water cooler', we will all die...
8: Prince - Listened to most of his old albums and now know that he's not as good 'now' as he used to be.
9: BBC1 - Showing David Fincher's 'Seven' next week, in two parts? This isn't like the cinema in the old days where they'd swap film reels and you could piss on an ice-cream (or have a piss and get an ice-cream even!).
10: Rants - When you don't do them every week you forget what you were angry about, and as you can see the rants are a bit weak this time!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 27/05/01
1:ITV's Survivor - It's not Big Brother, stop trying to make it into something really big by mass media hype. Stop the papers naming someone Nasty Nick (like Big Brother). It gets beaten in the ratings by a gardening show.
2: Big Bother 2 - Luckily I've been working so I haven't seen the even bigger hype of this. It won't be as good as the first one and now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon like it's new!.
3: The election campaign - Lies all lies!
4: Late night tv - Not as good as it used to be. Where's 'Cue the music', 'Get Stuffed', 'God's Gift', 'Sienfeld' or 'The Gary Shandling Show' (Larry Sanders).
5: Music pre-release hype - "Is it out in the shops yet? No it's out in two months time". So why can I hear it on the radio. Idiots!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 20/05/01
1: My new job - It sucks making maps on computers, I've been there a week and they expect me to know how to do everything. Twats!.
2: John Prescott - Doesn't everyone think he's a good bloke now he's smacked someone. I bleeding don't, I don't agree with most of the adult population then. And everyone saying the bloke he hit was a hippy, shut up, you don't know anyhing.
3: BBC1 - For taking off the programme about Oaklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh. Channel 4 showed an excellent documentary but I wanted to compare it with the BBC's one sided account, probably.
4: Time - Far to slow when you want it to speed up and bloody fast when your having fun! You suck time.
5: The General Election and all that goes with it - Don't tell me I should vote. Locally we will probably only get Labour and Conservative. Why should I be forced to vote Labour, the lesser of two evils when they are still shit. I feel bad for voting them in... Your all rubbish at local level and corrupt higher up.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 13/05/01
1: Starting new Jobs - The first day is always really tense and you feel like you can't hold down any food. The day is really, really long and you have to alter your sleep pattern to get up and you didn't sleep very well anyway.
2: The Bafta Awards - Rubbish Ali G got an award, and all the media cared about was the dress that girl from Hollyoaks wasn't wearing and Tamzin Outhwaite's backless dress. And Emmerdale won best soap!
3: Having 3 phone calls in a row - I get in from work, cook tea and then sit my depressed arse down to have the phone go three times. I wanted a bit of quiet time for myself, but nooooooo!!!
4: That Lottery couple - Shut up already, 'Camelot' hate you and so do the public.
5: FBI mistakes - Forgetting to give the prosecution team for the Oklahoma bomber trial 'three Thousand bits of evidence'. Did they forget and it was just cluttering up an entire room. Oh and have they killed anyone innocent lately, No? Give it time!
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 06/05/01
1: Sara Cox - Is she drunk? When I hear her on the Radio and she gets excited I can't understand a word she says. She's the new un-funny Zoe Ball (she wasn't much cop either just look at the Priory!). And piss off Emma B (the un-funny Sara Cox).
2: Chris Evans marrying Billie - As a fan of Billie this angers me much. She's young so I'll catch her on the rebound. I give it a year.
3: Crap neighbours - It's Monday, it's time to put the bin bags out the front of your house and they've left theirs for three weeks at the back of the house. Your not old, and you leave your washing out for four days. Fucking retards. I'm waiting for the rats to come.
4: Ronnie Biggs - Fuck off, we don't want has been robbers sucking up our money in prison. Sun newspaper be ashamed of youselves.
5: Big Breakfast - Even the rats have left this sinking ship, (to live with my neighbours). Asking viewers to send in letters on how to save the show and then insulting their comments is sad. Richard Bacon you used to be funny, say hello to Live TV2. Donna Air needs putting down, say hello Byker Grove 2020.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 29/04/01
1: The Jobcentre rules - If you turn up to early then you can have your benifits stopped. I'm sorry, since when has being early ever been a bad thing. OK so during sex, yeah, but early for the jobcentre it shows your albe to get your arse moved for jobs!
2: Still Foot and Mouth - I don't care if Phoenix the calf has been saved and I care less about if it's in panto this year. What is the world coming to when a cow becomes famous for fifthteen minutes, Andy Warhol turns in his gracve.
3: Bad parents - On the bus again, where there was two teenagers with smelly dirty kids whom they ignored until one of the kids bashed themselves on the head with the seat in front. Why were the girls distracted? They were talking about boys. I'm sorry your not having sex ever again, you did it once got pregnant and that's bad enough. No more babies!
4:Racism - Nazi skinheaded Conservative leader William Hague, sort your party out. And Tony, don't think you deserve to be PM, you can't sort out Foot and Mouth!
5: Kids - Stop breaking my neighbours green house, you little fuckers don't even live around here you live in the 'Ghetto'.
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THE TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS - Week ending 22/04/01
1: Television coverage of the Foot and Mouth Crisis - I was bored with it about ten months ago. And I don't want to see dead animals when I'm eating!
2: My Arse - It's quite sore and tender at the moment, but is the media interested, is it fuck. I don't see many email sympathy letters either.
3: Buses - The one I got on the other day stank of animal piss, and mobile phones kept going off. And someone closed the window because it was cold, better cold than getting a whiff of wee!
4: Wallpapering - The wall isn't straight, the paper is patterened, a mother isn't happy. It's not the end of the world love!
5: Job Interviews - I don't actually care about the history of the company I want to know how much I get payed. And don't pretend that the environments a happy family and that your a nice boss. "Why am I replacing the last person who left?"
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Things that will annoy me for life
1: Ex girlfriends - We don't get on anymore, and I tend to have nothing to do with the anymore, which doesn't help when you see them out of the blue and you both don't know what to say.
2: Songs from the past - Can bring back happier times, but usually make you depressed. Curse you music for making me this way.
3: A certain person - My arch nemisis dying in an accident. He was a good person but I disliked him for going out with my ex. When he died I was in America, and had been thinking about him and when I came back I heard the new and I was glad. But it's not nice to feel happy because of his family. Emotions can't be helped but I hope he's happy...
4: The Government - So evil that words cannot convey how I feel about them. I will say I'm ashamed to be British, and without swearing that insult is worse than any other.
5: Stupid people - Sadly they don't know who they are. You will see them on TV's 'Trisha', 'Kilroy' and 'Jerry Springer'. They are the ones shouting and swearing because they can't argue properly and they have no comprehension of earth language. They can be found fighting in clubs and pubs over the weekend.
6: The News - It's dumbed down, doesn't offer an unbiased view (just a white middle class view), makes you angry and doesn't ask the questions we want answers to, too the government.
7: Spelling - Not having a spelling function on notepad, that's why there are grammatical errors on my pages. Not because I can't spell of course,(I got two C's in English/English Lit).
8: The Big Breakfast - I just imagine it will annoy me for the rest of my life. The horror, the horror, the horror...
9: Teenagers/ young people - Now I'm grown up I hate them, they're not as nice as people used to be. They swear to old people, don't respect teachers, the police or people who don't agree with them. We should kill them all they will be bad parents and they're kids will be twice as worse!
Great Yarmouth summer 2001
"There's only one good thing about a small town. You know that you want to get out"
(Smalltown - Songs for Drella, Lou Reed/John Cale, 1990).
I hate summer, my town is full of horrible tourists. But I dislike more the people who live here. I only found out the other day that my town is fifth on the poverty list, which is strange when you look at the people who all seem to be wearing more gold than Indiana Jones has ever seen.
It's not as if the town is that desolate when the summer tourists have gone, summer type shops and attractions lock up for the winter but we're not a town that closes down completely. We still have plenty of money being pumped around the pubs and clubs. The money is there if you look. My problem is what it's being spent on and the lack of individualism.
Last year the boys spent money on baseball-caps, tracksuit bottoms, hair-gel, and Calvin (and Hobbes) Klein 'parfume'. They also bought expensive lad shirts that get covered in sweat and beer.
This woudn't be a bad thing if everyone didn't have the same look, which can change every few years but their all wearing it.
Half of the girls in the town spend ther money on sportswear and gold jewellery, but let us not forget that they spend loads on tacky make-up.
The girls wear more make up this year and have even more earrings (soon they will have no ears left), big old frumpy sports sweaters or little flimsy strappy tops and huge common greying bra starps showing. The boyband rough and ready look is now in, it was a good look a few years ago, but not now. How grown up they look!
It's now difficult to find that special person in your life, I'm not trying to say that we should just go on looks, but we do to start with, and that's the problem, I don't see anybody that takes my eye. There's nothing that make anybody standout and say I'm the one.
All boys wear tank tops and cut off shirts proudly displaying celtic arm band tattoos. They have spikey hair, slight side burns, baggy jeans. It's a bit Beckham and a bit skate board.
We still have the 'individual' skate tribe, knitted hats (in the height of summer), hooded tops (sorry hoodies), skate pants and attitude (which is free).
Some kids who live near me were all wearing white adidas trainers and dark blue adidas tracksuit bottoms, baseball caps/bandanas, they all had the same yellow bike with shock absorbers and they all sat around looking like they were the meanest kids in the USA.
They were however Brit kids from non poor-ghetto backgrounds, with mobile phones, roll up cigs and nothing to rebel against except that they have everything but are still whining.
When these kids get older we have the fun of them with cars and doing car burn outs down the seafront because they are bored. But if you have a car you can drive miles away and get away from this shit hole. I however can't drive and because the town has a poor rail system can't get away to gigs out of the area because I can't get back or sleeep in my vehicle.
I'm not saying I'm Mr. Individual but we should take more pride in what we wear, not what everyone else is wearing. It's not about brands (which I'm against) but ther are plenty of shops that you cvan mix and match from and create something different. Yarmouth has plenty of cheap clothing shops, but sadly a new sports clothing shop is opening up and that limits what the people will wear.
All the school kids when they go back will be a right state. The boys will have every variety of STD's (or STI) on the go and all the girls will be several months pregnant, which means they will have to wear even baggier sports clothes, (DOH!).
So anyway fashion sucks, I'm going to but a load of classis clothes ala' James Dean, Marlon Brando and Paul Newman. White plain t-shirts and jeans and I'm gonna but them in bulk in different colours so that I don't have to care about what's cool, the 50's look can never be bettered because it's when cool started and so is beyond cool it's classic. Ooh I'm such a rebel and an ousider. Get her, meow!
(Smalltown - Songs for Drella, Lou Reed/John Cale, 1990).
I hate summer, my town is full of horrible tourists. But I dislike more the people who live here. I only found out the other day that my town is fifth on the poverty list, which is strange when you look at the people who all seem to be wearing more gold than Indiana Jones has ever seen.
It's not as if the town is that desolate when the summer tourists have gone, summer type shops and attractions lock up for the winter but we're not a town that closes down completely. We still have plenty of money being pumped around the pubs and clubs. The money is there if you look. My problem is what it's being spent on and the lack of individualism.
Last year the boys spent money on baseball-caps, tracksuit bottoms, hair-gel, and Calvin (and Hobbes) Klein 'parfume'. They also bought expensive lad shirts that get covered in sweat and beer.
This woudn't be a bad thing if everyone didn't have the same look, which can change every few years but their all wearing it.
Half of the girls in the town spend ther money on sportswear and gold jewellery, but let us not forget that they spend loads on tacky make-up.
The girls wear more make up this year and have even more earrings (soon they will have no ears left), big old frumpy sports sweaters or little flimsy strappy tops and huge common greying bra starps showing. The boyband rough and ready look is now in, it was a good look a few years ago, but not now. How grown up they look!
It's now difficult to find that special person in your life, I'm not trying to say that we should just go on looks, but we do to start with, and that's the problem, I don't see anybody that takes my eye. There's nothing that make anybody standout and say I'm the one.
All boys wear tank tops and cut off shirts proudly displaying celtic arm band tattoos. They have spikey hair, slight side burns, baggy jeans. It's a bit Beckham and a bit skate board.
We still have the 'individual' skate tribe, knitted hats (in the height of summer), hooded tops (sorry hoodies), skate pants and attitude (which is free).
Some kids who live near me were all wearing white adidas trainers and dark blue adidas tracksuit bottoms, baseball caps/bandanas, they all had the same yellow bike with shock absorbers and they all sat around looking like they were the meanest kids in the USA.
They were however Brit kids from non poor-ghetto backgrounds, with mobile phones, roll up cigs and nothing to rebel against except that they have everything but are still whining.
When these kids get older we have the fun of them with cars and doing car burn outs down the seafront because they are bored. But if you have a car you can drive miles away and get away from this shit hole. I however can't drive and because the town has a poor rail system can't get away to gigs out of the area because I can't get back or sleeep in my vehicle.
I'm not saying I'm Mr. Individual but we should take more pride in what we wear, not what everyone else is wearing. It's not about brands (which I'm against) but ther are plenty of shops that you cvan mix and match from and create something different. Yarmouth has plenty of cheap clothing shops, but sadly a new sports clothing shop is opening up and that limits what the people will wear.
All the school kids when they go back will be a right state. The boys will have every variety of STD's (or STI) on the go and all the girls will be several months pregnant, which means they will have to wear even baggier sports clothes, (DOH!).
So anyway fashion sucks, I'm going to but a load of classis clothes ala' James Dean, Marlon Brando and Paul Newman. White plain t-shirts and jeans and I'm gonna but them in bulk in different colours so that I don't have to care about what's cool, the 50's look can never be bettered because it's when cool started and so is beyond cool it's classic. Ooh I'm such a rebel and an ousider. Get her, meow!
Oooh Fashion!
I'm so angry my bloods boiling. I have one important thing to say to mens fashion designers, "Take a fucking risk!
The other day I recieved a chainstore catalogue and I flicked through the womens fashion pages first, what did I see, well there was a whole variety of funky colourful fashions.
One designer had made several styles to mix and match. Club wear, hippy wear and a work suit, all were quite stylish but had a certain street wear look to them and if youre a girl you could choose, depending on your mood or environment, what look you wanted to give off that day. The catalogue womens section had quite an impressive range
However my mood suddenly changed when I got to the men's section. There's always been a joke between me and my brother since we were kids, that when our parents dragged us into BHS or Marks and Spencer's we'd look for the smallest corner of the shop and go, "That's the men's section that is", usually we were right and that relates to the men's section and selection.
Firstly there's not as much as the women's section, true men don't all spend as much money on clothes as women seem to, but maybe this is the reason. The first few pages were full of chequered 'Lad' shirts (You Sad Lad- YSL, Alf Owen - Ralph Lauren).
Hello! I'm sorry I though this was 2001- A Space Odessey. These hideous shirts in unflattering styles, (they hang terribly on all but the fattest of men), and colours have been knocking about on the scene for about five fucking years now thanks to Noel F-ing Gallagher and other 'Grandad-rock' groups. Even Noel's moved on since then!
The beautiful people, yesterday
I prefered the terrible look of my youth, 'Top-man' suit in a bright colour (red the best) and a tacky patterend shirt or polo neck. Colour Me Bad had the same sort of look but a lot classier was the British look of shuffling about on club dance floors holding your Newcastle Brown Ale bottle and combing you centre parting to The Stereo MC's and James Brown.
Even the Seattle Lumber-jack shirt was far more stylish and rugged, the lad shirt is suppossed to be stylish enough and smart enough to get you into a nightclub, then why don't all the fourteen year olds tuck them in then at school you'd 'get done' by teachers for looking this scruffy. Classy but do your top button up and wear a tie!!!
Back to the catalogue, all the rest of the clothes were just as dull, no risks with suits, and I know there are funky suits out there so why won't they bring out catalogue fashions. They fear change! All suits are made like kids toys. And now for toddlers 'My first suit' which is the look of men who look ten years old and work in Dixon's who have really bad acne and use up the worlds supply of hair gel.
The collarless suit! We've had the collarless suit for years and it still looks shit, it's not a classic I don't remember Brando or Bond rocking the look (if they did don't email moi). Mike Mills of REM and even Johnathon Ross have cool patterned suits but not us the general public not in a catalogue.
And as for the the Sports wear, I would'nt wear it for doing sports in. I'd be embarrassed at it's blandness. Even good old trainers have become dull, back in the day you could buy trainers that looked like Las Vegas signs, as high tech as a military weapon and as big as house. Not anymore their streamlined for 'walking to the pub in Olympic time'.
As a school kid you'd get mocked for not having the right brand of trainers now, you should get mocked for having the newest trainers you paided '100 quid for'. You look like a mug to me.
Don't get me wrong I'm all for the 'NO LOGO' fashions but not at the expense of expression. I shouldn't have to find only funky sixties, seventies or even fifties clothes in second hand shops I want them in chainstores and catalogues. I'm not putting up with this shit I'm a consumer and I have rights!!!
The other day I recieved a chainstore catalogue and I flicked through the womens fashion pages first, what did I see, well there was a whole variety of funky colourful fashions.
One designer had made several styles to mix and match. Club wear, hippy wear and a work suit, all were quite stylish but had a certain street wear look to them and if youre a girl you could choose, depending on your mood or environment, what look you wanted to give off that day. The catalogue womens section had quite an impressive range
However my mood suddenly changed when I got to the men's section. There's always been a joke between me and my brother since we were kids, that when our parents dragged us into BHS or Marks and Spencer's we'd look for the smallest corner of the shop and go, "That's the men's section that is", usually we were right and that relates to the men's section and selection.
Firstly there's not as much as the women's section, true men don't all spend as much money on clothes as women seem to, but maybe this is the reason. The first few pages were full of chequered 'Lad' shirts (You Sad Lad- YSL, Alf Owen - Ralph Lauren).
Hello! I'm sorry I though this was 2001- A Space Odessey. These hideous shirts in unflattering styles, (they hang terribly on all but the fattest of men), and colours have been knocking about on the scene for about five fucking years now thanks to Noel F-ing Gallagher and other 'Grandad-rock' groups. Even Noel's moved on since then!
The beautiful people, yesterday
I prefered the terrible look of my youth, 'Top-man' suit in a bright colour (red the best) and a tacky patterend shirt or polo neck. Colour Me Bad had the same sort of look but a lot classier was the British look of shuffling about on club dance floors holding your Newcastle Brown Ale bottle and combing you centre parting to The Stereo MC's and James Brown.
Even the Seattle Lumber-jack shirt was far more stylish and rugged, the lad shirt is suppossed to be stylish enough and smart enough to get you into a nightclub, then why don't all the fourteen year olds tuck them in then at school you'd 'get done' by teachers for looking this scruffy. Classy but do your top button up and wear a tie!!!
Back to the catalogue, all the rest of the clothes were just as dull, no risks with suits, and I know there are funky suits out there so why won't they bring out catalogue fashions. They fear change! All suits are made like kids toys. And now for toddlers 'My first suit' which is the look of men who look ten years old and work in Dixon's who have really bad acne and use up the worlds supply of hair gel.
The collarless suit! We've had the collarless suit for years and it still looks shit, it's not a classic I don't remember Brando or Bond rocking the look (if they did don't email moi). Mike Mills of REM and even Johnathon Ross have cool patterned suits but not us the general public not in a catalogue.
And as for the the Sports wear, I would'nt wear it for doing sports in. I'd be embarrassed at it's blandness. Even good old trainers have become dull, back in the day you could buy trainers that looked like Las Vegas signs, as high tech as a military weapon and as big as house. Not anymore their streamlined for 'walking to the pub in Olympic time'.
As a school kid you'd get mocked for not having the right brand of trainers now, you should get mocked for having the newest trainers you paided '100 quid for'. You look like a mug to me.
Don't get me wrong I'm all for the 'NO LOGO' fashions but not at the expense of expression. I shouldn't have to find only funky sixties, seventies or even fifties clothes in second hand shops I want them in chainstores and catalogues. I'm not putting up with this shit I'm a consumer and I have rights!!!
Shit TV 2001
Saturday nights alright for morons - ITV's Saturday Night line up and Football exploitation
That's something like Elton John's original lyrics. You already know I hate football ( I didn't as a kid before it turned into a money machine), but the ITV line up is shit. Two weak gameshows with phone-in's so they can steal your cash. Then a shit repeat of Poirot (not as good as Morse or Frost repeats) and then football.
Not that BBC1 has much to laugh about, apart from it's films on saturday, it has the national stinker 'The Lottery' which has turned into a gameshow and than a celebrity (are you sure?) 'Weakest Link', with Castaway, Survivor (chortle) and Big Brother contestants. Then later some sports highlights.
Try playing spot the difference with these two channels, there isn't one, both are a bit shit.
All I can think is that it must have been a bad turn out at the ITV1 boardroom meeting so they let the boss come up with the solution.
"What shall we do about our dwindling ratings? We don't want to copy the Beeb. How about a good film or more soaps, what about a docu-soap or a Police drama? What does saturday not have much of? I know, there's hardly any Football or Horse racing, Athletics, Tennis or even Motor-racing at this time of year. We need prime-time sport! I'll give myself a pay rise now"
Oh, Jesus, let me watch this amazing television! The fucking shareholders must have been wanking over this line up. They hope they're onto a real winner, but my fingers are crossed to jinx it. Eventually the Beeb will do something big to steal the ratings, (not another episode of Eastenders, I hope) or people will just get sick of sport. There getting some half decent films but if they don't do something people will go digital (Which is what they want, conspiracy anyone?).
"Sick of footie?", (you might be saying, I'm not a mind reader) it may seem unlikely but the way footballs going it just might make you sick.
Footie's getting too big for it's boots, (ha, fucking, ha) everyone knows it but they are to afraid to say it, and the bigger and greedier it gets the greater it's downfall will be, which makes me do a little jig at the thought of it.
Every season football announces bigger transfer deals for new players and rising ticket sales/ digital telivision deals. This is all well and good but it doesn't last forever so what are the executives planning ready for it's obvious downfall, "FUCK ALL". They're to blinkered and don't believe that it will ever happen. They think you are so stupid you will always watch it however much it cost to watch or if you have to morgage the house to get a season ticket.
Why? Because they can hype it to be the best sport in europe with flashy visuals and famous names and tons of newspaper columns, so that you believe if you don't watch it your not a man. I am constantly asked what footie team I support, and I always say I don't. This gets some of the freakiest looks in the world like I touch kids or something. So I always say I used to support West Ham, which to them explains why I don't support footie team anymore (ha,ha). It also satisfies their need not to punch me for being a 'book reader or poof' because I once had the taste for football so I can't be all bad can I? Twats.
There are others that agree with me that football is all about million dollar deals. David Icke wrote a superb article on sports sweatshops and the way football has fallen from grace because of its greed.
David says, "Manchester United was once a great football club. Today it is, in my view, a seedy money machine that profits from the exploitation and suffering of some of the world's poorest people. In that it is not alone, all the major clubs do the same, but it is, I would suggest, the most obvious example in British, possibly even world, football of the way the game has been hi-jacked by the disciples of greed".
"As I write, the Manchester United "brand", masquerading as a "team", is attracting phenomenal crowds in Asia, the very home of exploitation by the multi-national sportswear corporations. Yet the exploited masses scream and cheer hysterically for those who make a fortune from that very exploitation of themselves and their fellow Asian workers".
Dave's right, it's all about the branded money, television branding (see Man Untd tv), branded events , branded football food and branded fans who wear the logos with pride.
You can read David's full article at: www.davidicke.com/icke/articles3/manchester.html or check out some of his other articles at www.davidicke.com
But ITV, sorry ITV1 (I bet that cost millions to think up) think they've won but for a while with a new sports show, and they have for the moment, I just hope that the public are not as stupid as they look and stop tuning in when they realise how they are being used. Then ITV1 will be forced to put on some better shows.
They managed to ruin F1 grand prix racing with it's constsant adverts and made the stinker that was Survivor (Which I'll bring up for life), so they are desperate to get the viewers back, prove to them your in control by switching off the tele or by taping it instead the rating look bad.
Not that you care but here's my idea for the future of sport. Hopefully it will be street football. A couple of digital handheld cameras, no celeb players and jumpers for goal posts. It's just a good old kick about with the usual Sunday league half time punch up.
I'd watch little football in the ghettos streets, you could have drive by shootings, prostitute cheerleaders. The sport of kings or pimps, but hey that's the future.
If you get the chance watch the film 'Baseketball' by Matt Stone and Trey Parker for an ironic but true look at sport being ruined by corporate cock sucking.
If ITV wants an idea for new a saturday line up how abut bringing back 'Noels House Party', 'Blind Date' and '3-2-1', these shows are so hip it hurts!
Televisions finest 28 minutes!
ITV1 Saturday Night ratings - Update August 26th 2001
The first episode of the Premiereship went out the 18/08/01, it was on for 75 minutes and featured only 28 minutes of football and was watched by only 4.3 million people, which isn't that much for something so heavily advertised.
ITV hailed the show as a success even when it was announced that the BBC beat it in the ratings with it's Weakest Link celebrity special (celebs from Big Brother 1+2, Survivor! and Castaway 2000 participated). ITV1 bought the rights showing football for 183 million pounds, and by the looks of it it was a total waste of money.
Teletexts Frank Fury described the Premiership show as, "tacky and tabloid", and the second show on the 12/08/01 featured more football (38 mintues worth) but had lost lots more viewers, (figures when available will be noted).
ITV's controller had the cheek to say this week that the BBC just goes for ratings and more soaps on television to get viewers, which was a swipe at Eastenders extra episode, but ITV1 has no right to say this when they only bought football as a fingers upto to the Beeb and also stick soaps on more times a week or extended episodes/clashing ratings shows when they want to take away viewers form the other side.
Oh dear ITV1, the public are not as stupid as you hoped. And another blow to ITV1 was 1/09/01 when the Premiership wasn't on because the BBC had the rights to the European game 'England vs Germany', which we won 5-1.
Were the ratings as poor as the ITV1 snippets show, NO! Because the Beeb showed the full match it got around 15 million viewers.
It looks as if ITV1 don't do something drastic they will be ridiculed forever, they can't pull the show as that would be a waste of 183 million and a waste of football footage but what can they do? I have no idea but throwing more money at it wont help, it's the millenium dome of ITV1, and money still hasn't stopped that big problem. Congratulations ITV1 your new name will be remembered for being a turkey.
Football not about money? - October 1st 2001
Leicester City footie coach Peter Taylor was sacked as of the 30th September 2001, after only 15 months in the job, for a string of poor football results. Taylor had previously had good results when he worked with Englands Under 21's.
But 'The League Managers Association Chief' John Barnwell was not surprised by Taylor's outcome and said of the sacking,
"It is indecative of the intensity for success that now prevails in football and in the Barclaycard Premiership in particular".
Fair enough he wasn't doing the best for the team and some of you may be saying that this has nothing to do with money it's about results. Well, I thought so to but while I was wacthing the BBC1 News they pointed out that Taylors sacking had first been leaked to the the Stock Exchange!!! Does this mean that the info was more important to the shareholders than the fans whom found out afterwards. Possibly.
And in other news, increased gate receipts and higher sponsorship/TV revenues have kept Manchester United at the top of the money stakes.
Their turnover lifted 12% to £129.6 million while pre-tax profits for the year to July moved ahead 30% to £21.8 million. What they do with the money we have yet to see but I can see some very happy shareholders this year.
Premiership News - October 23rd 2001
After denying on Sunday night (21/10/01) that the Premiership wouldn't be moving to a Saturday late night slot, ITV bosses have been forced to give in to pressure and cancel it's current 7pm slot and place it into a new 10.30pm slot.
On Sunday ITV assured fans and sceptics that the show wouldn't be moving because "ratings are increasing". But yesterdays statment from ITV chief David Liddiment said different,
"I had hoped to give the programme more time to consolidate in the 7pm slot. But pressure on the overall performance of the schedule and advertising revenues means we cannot sustain the current position".
So it's about MONEY then? The advertisers felt there products were not reaching enough people and so why should they have to pay as much for having there adverts in the 7pm slot. Shareholders were also noticing the murmurs from the press about the premiership's lack of viewers and I suppose thats when ITV decided something had to be done.
ITV1 couldn't afford to take risks with a £183 million show, and waiting for The Premiership to finally find it's footing was not an option they could afford to take. Think of the Shareholders, they can't fend for themselves!
Des Lynam said of the shift, "I'm dissapointed that ITV are moving The Premiership start time as I feel confident that it would have achieved higher audiences in due course".
"However I am assured that the move is for economic and not editorial reasons and that ITV is delighted with the programme's style and presentation".
Which is quite funny as Des had previously had a highly publisised fall out with the BBC over it's late night treatment of Match of the Day, which lead to his defection to ITV. Des, like many fans, had said that the football public wanted a primetime football show. He also said he'd quit if ITV messed with the new schedule. He was wrong on the first count the fans don't seem to want the show after all and I'm waiting for him to go through with the second.
BBC sports executives insisted that the MOTD format was not suited to a Saturday 7pm slot and hoped ITV would fall flat on it's arse, (which it started to after it's second week).
The last 7pm Premiership will go out on Nov 3rd and the new Premiership show will go out from Saturday November 17th at 10.30pm and will be repeated Sundays at 9.25am.
The 7pm slot will then be filled with ratings winner Blind Date which attracts around 7 million viewers, compared to the footies average of 4.4 million viewers.
If ITV1 really want good ratings on Saturday evenings so that they can kiss the arses of the share holders then they have to listen to the public, "We want good films!", I think I can hear them say.
We want the film to be either really new or a classic old film. Loads of people watch DVD's or hirer out vids. If you put on a good film they don't have to walk to the shops and as winters coming this is more likely to happen.
However we don't want films that are split into two parts ( the film continues after the news) or ITV1 drama's (we don't want them on Sunday either).
All of these dramas are set during in the 1800's or during the wartime. We have a choice of four actors to front them, John Thaw, Robson Greene, Sarah Lancaster or Ross Kemp. They are all rubbish and watched by women aged 30 and over. David Jason would be in the line-up but as he's just become a Dad he's some what busy at the moment.
ITV has now bodged up F1 racing, had to remove 'Lucy Sullivan is getting married' because of ratings along with, 'Survivor', 'Cross Roads' and even the 'News'.
ITV is more concerned with shareholders and advertisers than a mere 4 million viewers of a show, watch out your show may be next!!!
Come back Survivor all is forgiven
That's something like Elton John's original lyrics. You already know I hate football ( I didn't as a kid before it turned into a money machine), but the ITV line up is shit. Two weak gameshows with phone-in's so they can steal your cash. Then a shit repeat of Poirot (not as good as Morse or Frost repeats) and then football.
Not that BBC1 has much to laugh about, apart from it's films on saturday, it has the national stinker 'The Lottery' which has turned into a gameshow and than a celebrity (are you sure?) 'Weakest Link', with Castaway, Survivor (chortle) and Big Brother contestants. Then later some sports highlights.
Try playing spot the difference with these two channels, there isn't one, both are a bit shit.
All I can think is that it must have been a bad turn out at the ITV1 boardroom meeting so they let the boss come up with the solution.
"What shall we do about our dwindling ratings? We don't want to copy the Beeb. How about a good film or more soaps, what about a docu-soap or a Police drama? What does saturday not have much of? I know, there's hardly any Football or Horse racing, Athletics, Tennis or even Motor-racing at this time of year. We need prime-time sport! I'll give myself a pay rise now"
Oh, Jesus, let me watch this amazing television! The fucking shareholders must have been wanking over this line up. They hope they're onto a real winner, but my fingers are crossed to jinx it. Eventually the Beeb will do something big to steal the ratings, (not another episode of Eastenders, I hope) or people will just get sick of sport. There getting some half decent films but if they don't do something people will go digital (Which is what they want, conspiracy anyone?).
"Sick of footie?", (you might be saying, I'm not a mind reader) it may seem unlikely but the way footballs going it just might make you sick.
Footie's getting too big for it's boots, (ha, fucking, ha) everyone knows it but they are to afraid to say it, and the bigger and greedier it gets the greater it's downfall will be, which makes me do a little jig at the thought of it.
Every season football announces bigger transfer deals for new players and rising ticket sales/ digital telivision deals. This is all well and good but it doesn't last forever so what are the executives planning ready for it's obvious downfall, "FUCK ALL". They're to blinkered and don't believe that it will ever happen. They think you are so stupid you will always watch it however much it cost to watch or if you have to morgage the house to get a season ticket.
Why? Because they can hype it to be the best sport in europe with flashy visuals and famous names and tons of newspaper columns, so that you believe if you don't watch it your not a man. I am constantly asked what footie team I support, and I always say I don't. This gets some of the freakiest looks in the world like I touch kids or something. So I always say I used to support West Ham, which to them explains why I don't support footie team anymore (ha,ha). It also satisfies their need not to punch me for being a 'book reader or poof' because I once had the taste for football so I can't be all bad can I? Twats.
There are others that agree with me that football is all about million dollar deals. David Icke wrote a superb article on sports sweatshops and the way football has fallen from grace because of its greed.
David says, "Manchester United was once a great football club. Today it is, in my view, a seedy money machine that profits from the exploitation and suffering of some of the world's poorest people. In that it is not alone, all the major clubs do the same, but it is, I would suggest, the most obvious example in British, possibly even world, football of the way the game has been hi-jacked by the disciples of greed".
"As I write, the Manchester United "brand", masquerading as a "team", is attracting phenomenal crowds in Asia, the very home of exploitation by the multi-national sportswear corporations. Yet the exploited masses scream and cheer hysterically for those who make a fortune from that very exploitation of themselves and their fellow Asian workers".
Dave's right, it's all about the branded money, television branding (see Man Untd tv), branded events , branded football food and branded fans who wear the logos with pride.
You can read David's full article at: www.davidicke.com/icke/articles3/manchester.html or check out some of his other articles at www.davidicke.com
But ITV, sorry ITV1 (I bet that cost millions to think up) think they've won but for a while with a new sports show, and they have for the moment, I just hope that the public are not as stupid as they look and stop tuning in when they realise how they are being used. Then ITV1 will be forced to put on some better shows.
They managed to ruin F1 grand prix racing with it's constsant adverts and made the stinker that was Survivor (Which I'll bring up for life), so they are desperate to get the viewers back, prove to them your in control by switching off the tele or by taping it instead the rating look bad.
Not that you care but here's my idea for the future of sport. Hopefully it will be street football. A couple of digital handheld cameras, no celeb players and jumpers for goal posts. It's just a good old kick about with the usual Sunday league half time punch up.
I'd watch little football in the ghettos streets, you could have drive by shootings, prostitute cheerleaders. The sport of kings or pimps, but hey that's the future.
If you get the chance watch the film 'Baseketball' by Matt Stone and Trey Parker for an ironic but true look at sport being ruined by corporate cock sucking.
If ITV wants an idea for new a saturday line up how abut bringing back 'Noels House Party', 'Blind Date' and '3-2-1', these shows are so hip it hurts!
Televisions finest 28 minutes!
ITV1 Saturday Night ratings - Update August 26th 2001
The first episode of the Premiereship went out the 18/08/01, it was on for 75 minutes and featured only 28 minutes of football and was watched by only 4.3 million people, which isn't that much for something so heavily advertised.
ITV hailed the show as a success even when it was announced that the BBC beat it in the ratings with it's Weakest Link celebrity special (celebs from Big Brother 1+2, Survivor! and Castaway 2000 participated). ITV1 bought the rights showing football for 183 million pounds, and by the looks of it it was a total waste of money.
Teletexts Frank Fury described the Premiership show as, "tacky and tabloid", and the second show on the 12/08/01 featured more football (38 mintues worth) but had lost lots more viewers, (figures when available will be noted).
ITV's controller had the cheek to say this week that the BBC just goes for ratings and more soaps on television to get viewers, which was a swipe at Eastenders extra episode, but ITV1 has no right to say this when they only bought football as a fingers upto to the Beeb and also stick soaps on more times a week or extended episodes/clashing ratings shows when they want to take away viewers form the other side.
Oh dear ITV1, the public are not as stupid as you hoped. And another blow to ITV1 was 1/09/01 when the Premiership wasn't on because the BBC had the rights to the European game 'England vs Germany', which we won 5-1.
Were the ratings as poor as the ITV1 snippets show, NO! Because the Beeb showed the full match it got around 15 million viewers.
It looks as if ITV1 don't do something drastic they will be ridiculed forever, they can't pull the show as that would be a waste of 183 million and a waste of football footage but what can they do? I have no idea but throwing more money at it wont help, it's the millenium dome of ITV1, and money still hasn't stopped that big problem. Congratulations ITV1 your new name will be remembered for being a turkey.
Football not about money? - October 1st 2001
Leicester City footie coach Peter Taylor was sacked as of the 30th September 2001, after only 15 months in the job, for a string of poor football results. Taylor had previously had good results when he worked with Englands Under 21's.
But 'The League Managers Association Chief' John Barnwell was not surprised by Taylor's outcome and said of the sacking,
"It is indecative of the intensity for success that now prevails in football and in the Barclaycard Premiership in particular".
Fair enough he wasn't doing the best for the team and some of you may be saying that this has nothing to do with money it's about results. Well, I thought so to but while I was wacthing the BBC1 News they pointed out that Taylors sacking had first been leaked to the the Stock Exchange!!! Does this mean that the info was more important to the shareholders than the fans whom found out afterwards. Possibly.
And in other news, increased gate receipts and higher sponsorship/TV revenues have kept Manchester United at the top of the money stakes.
Their turnover lifted 12% to £129.6 million while pre-tax profits for the year to July moved ahead 30% to £21.8 million. What they do with the money we have yet to see but I can see some very happy shareholders this year.
Premiership News - October 23rd 2001
After denying on Sunday night (21/10/01) that the Premiership wouldn't be moving to a Saturday late night slot, ITV bosses have been forced to give in to pressure and cancel it's current 7pm slot and place it into a new 10.30pm slot.
On Sunday ITV assured fans and sceptics that the show wouldn't be moving because "ratings are increasing". But yesterdays statment from ITV chief David Liddiment said different,
"I had hoped to give the programme more time to consolidate in the 7pm slot. But pressure on the overall performance of the schedule and advertising revenues means we cannot sustain the current position".
So it's about MONEY then? The advertisers felt there products were not reaching enough people and so why should they have to pay as much for having there adverts in the 7pm slot. Shareholders were also noticing the murmurs from the press about the premiership's lack of viewers and I suppose thats when ITV decided something had to be done.
ITV1 couldn't afford to take risks with a £183 million show, and waiting for The Premiership to finally find it's footing was not an option they could afford to take. Think of the Shareholders, they can't fend for themselves!
Des Lynam said of the shift, "I'm dissapointed that ITV are moving The Premiership start time as I feel confident that it would have achieved higher audiences in due course".
"However I am assured that the move is for economic and not editorial reasons and that ITV is delighted with the programme's style and presentation".
Which is quite funny as Des had previously had a highly publisised fall out with the BBC over it's late night treatment of Match of the Day, which lead to his defection to ITV. Des, like many fans, had said that the football public wanted a primetime football show. He also said he'd quit if ITV messed with the new schedule. He was wrong on the first count the fans don't seem to want the show after all and I'm waiting for him to go through with the second.
BBC sports executives insisted that the MOTD format was not suited to a Saturday 7pm slot and hoped ITV would fall flat on it's arse, (which it started to after it's second week).
The last 7pm Premiership will go out on Nov 3rd and the new Premiership show will go out from Saturday November 17th at 10.30pm and will be repeated Sundays at 9.25am.
The 7pm slot will then be filled with ratings winner Blind Date which attracts around 7 million viewers, compared to the footies average of 4.4 million viewers.
If ITV1 really want good ratings on Saturday evenings so that they can kiss the arses of the share holders then they have to listen to the public, "We want good films!", I think I can hear them say.
We want the film to be either really new or a classic old film. Loads of people watch DVD's or hirer out vids. If you put on a good film they don't have to walk to the shops and as winters coming this is more likely to happen.
However we don't want films that are split into two parts ( the film continues after the news) or ITV1 drama's (we don't want them on Sunday either).
All of these dramas are set during in the 1800's or during the wartime. We have a choice of four actors to front them, John Thaw, Robson Greene, Sarah Lancaster or Ross Kemp. They are all rubbish and watched by women aged 30 and over. David Jason would be in the line-up but as he's just become a Dad he's some what busy at the moment.
ITV has now bodged up F1 racing, had to remove 'Lucy Sullivan is getting married' because of ratings along with, 'Survivor', 'Cross Roads' and even the 'News'.
ITV is more concerned with shareholders and advertisers than a mere 4 million viewers of a show, watch out your show may be next!!!
Come back Survivor all is forgiven
Crap TV 2000
Please don't turn me on,(some non-entity sang recently), but it seems television is asking, "please turn me on, please don't switch off I'm begging you ".
Television is desperate for you, the viewer, to watch every new docu-drama, soap or reality TV programme, and to identify with every single new youth programme. The current list of shows they are trying to force you to watch by mass hype and terrorist publicity are:
Big Brother
Shipwrecked 2
Public Property
Popstars
Everything on E4
The new and improved Ten o'clock news
Television is getting rubbish but it's now getting difficult to sort the wheat from the chaff. So here's a helpfull guide and some worthless comments on the good and bad.
Big Brother
Really a poor man's version of 'MTV's The Real World'. A load of people stuck in a house to see how they deal with each other, weekly challenges can gain them cash that can be spent on weekly necestites (food, bog roll, fags etc). Every week the group get to secretly nominate the two peole they hate living with the most in a specially constructed 'diary room', the public then choose from the two which one they want to leave. The winner at the end of the show gets a shed load of cash.
Cameras are set up in the special set which film their every move (except toilet activities though not showering). They have no contact with the outside world but can vent frustrations in the diary room whenever they feel or are called by 'Big Brother' a faceless voice behind the cameras, to see how they are doing.
Amazingly it worked as a show (the idea bought from a German version). You could choose from the line up who you liked and didn't. The newspapers went into overdrive during a boring summer of news and made the shows nominations a national campaign. My faves were Darren. Caroline and the monster that was 'Mel and Tom'.
There wasn't as many arguments as in 'Shipwrecked' and 'Castaway 2000'. Tasks given to them kept it from getting boring. Luckily I avoided the Media frenzy when the showed eneded as I was in the USA, but I can say the US 'BB' was shit as they were so prudish and dull! After this came BB2 which was OK but pushing it a bit by trying to have characters shag and now they reckon BB3 will be coming. Stop before you kill it!!!
Big Brother 2
Big Bro 2 was avoided in my household until a few weeks had past, and luckily I missed most of the crap arguments that always occur in the first weeek. I didn't like most of the characters this time. The public apparantley took to the most retarded couple Helen and Paul, who couldn't string a sentence together. I like Dean and Elizabeth who were known as the dull people, they pointed out the stupidity of the others by acting as the parents of the group.
Who Want's to be a Millionaire
Run of the mill quiz show but you can win a million! Horrible 'Tarrant' hosts, middle class white people get soap questions wrong but know who was the eighth Earl of Bishopsgate was (because he's their great,great grandfather). Only good idea for the show is the 'Phone a friend' option' where you call an imbicile you know who never helps. US version far superior as it has a funny host and easy questions, "What's your name?". Then 'Celebrity Millionaire' then 'Couples Millionaire'. What about 'Where are the viewers Millionaire?' Now you can by the board game, computer game, text message phone game, toilet roll and official 'WHTBAM' artificial heart.
Hollyoaks
Bit rubbish teen soap, not as good as it used to be because it has female cast always showing nipples (it must be very cold in Chester). This might sound good in a Baywatch way, but at least the old shows had half decent plots and likeable characters the new ones do not. Phil Redmond the producers decided to do a more adult version with the older cast, called Hollyoaks - Movin On.
Hollyoaks - Movin On
CRAP! Has riskier character who have sex, talk about sex and get raped, beaten up or vomited/shit on. Hilarious! Takes all the worst bits of Hollyoaks and sticks them under a microscope.
Castaway 2000
Horrible people stuck on an beautiful island, (see shipwrecked), featured posh crying men, gay angry crying men, lots of crying women and kids, black angry christian who dislikes gay man and posh people makes them cry, snobby grumpy posh doctor and family and an excellent drunk angry old guy who left as he made everyone a bit tense!!! Nothing happens everyday, everyone angry and crying. All risk getting chicken pox, all angry, all come home with happy memories.
Popstars
Mullet man holds auditions, slags everyone off, selects best of bunch, forms popband 'Here'say', they go platinum, he cuts his hair. Excellent, show of the year. Final episode ruined by being live and having Davina McCall (she should stay on her own shows). Now there are about a millio other talentless show. Petstars, Soapstars, Search for a model and 'Find a member of the public who isn't a fucking idiotstars'.
Popstars Australia
Far superior than the UK version. Cuddly judges provide entertainment and not destruction of peoples characters.All girls chosen seem very nice and don't argue over everything. The show was bounced about in a Saturday afternon slot, like ITV didn't know what to do with this import. It was originally on ITV2, where it must have done crap to get such bad treatment on ITV1. Sexy girlband 'Bardot' created, very little success in UK but well poular in OZ.
Public Property
Shit. I won't even review it! Hosted by the talented Kay Adams and sadly made localy.
Shipwrecked 1 and 2
Youths who whinge on island, all gay, bi, smelly, veggies, virgins and slappers. All hate each other, try to cop-off and fail, all get sunstroke as drunk and lazy, hate island, some escape, when show ends all say they wish they hadn't done it. Shipwrecked2 exactly the same with some New Zeland people (or Aussies,who cares no-one watched)
Eastenders
All new and improved Eastenders, is not as good as it used to be. Not funny any more, every week a new script writer completely changes a characters essence and makes them like a mental patient. Mel's gone crap along with, now not nasty 'Nick Cotton' but a prat, whiney Lisa, rubbish Jamie and his rubbish non-plot with Sonja. Steve own still rules. Who shot Phil plot not actually good, lasts about four weeks and killer is highly unlikely as moaning Lisa who is pregnant.
Steve Owen who's now left shows acting abilities in his hair. If it's slick then he's doing alright for himsle but if it's messed up then his life is going down the pan.
New Eastenders plots involve incest, rape and other fun plots. Lisa still pregnant amazingly!
Da Ali G Show
Unfunny jewish comedian (not David Bloody Bub, he's funny) dresses and talks like a stereotypical black gangsta. Has comedy interviews with famous people who should know better, but believe he's genuine. Then develops another character that it Russian called Borat who we find out is also crap (like Steve Coogan's dire 'Tony Ferino'). Ali G then amuses singer Madonna (who love Brit humour) and appears in her 'Music' video (is unfunny again!), host MTV Awards (is still unfunny!) and is soon to be in a film (which will be as shit as 'Bean - The Movie' or 'Kevin and Perry go Large'). British comedians are never funny on the big screen. See 'The Boys in Blue', 'Morons in Space', 'Clockwise' and some shit Steve Coogan movie.
This is My Moment
Following a failed solo pop career Mel B (ex-Spice Girl) presents what amounts to a singing talent show. Each week members of the public sing (great plot) and the eventual one winner could be a famous singer with the shows help and publicity and hard cash. Waste your money phoning in to say they were all shit to fund a one hit wonders career.
Lucy Sullivan is getting married
Lucy Sullivan is getting cancelled, again. Crap show with potential gets put on at stupid time is cancelled halfway through run. Re-shown year after at even stupider time gets cancelled again before series is over. Replaced with 'Worlds funniest animals' (a lie!) and then with new Public Property and then Crossroads.
New series of 'Dawsons Creek'
New series at rubbish time and on stupid days. Show has lost it's once good comedy duo, now they dislike each other. McPhee leaves, characters have sex. (Will go the same way as Louis and ClarK/New adventure of Superman and Ellen).
Big Breakfast
Un-supervised Donna Air is let loose on show,Paul Tonkinson presents (now sacked as shit), now just get rid of other new bint and the show is saved. Mike McClean is a retard who should be fired to, he clearly doesn't want to be on the show and shows it! Dumb bitch Amanda 'something' ruins show by being a bit ruff and not actually being funny. Only saved by Wayne Hemmingways fashion section!
Ally McBeal
Quite good show with annoying bint main character.Trys to find decent men. Has funnier lawyer friends, she should be killed off. New series saved by Robert Downey Jnr. Sadly on E4. And now it's on C4 Roberts only in it for a few episodes cause they sacked him for drug offences, fools!
Dog Eat Dog
Ulrika "can't keep a man" Johnson, host a show like the 'Krypton Factor' but these contestants hate each other. The show is lame and the tension is non-existant.
New Casualty
Like the old one but more 'SEXUAL TENSION' and affairs. Has crap watered down theme and not enough Charlie! Character Patrick gets grumpier every episode and can only be opened up by vixen females that he usually acts grumpy with.
Anything on E4
Unfair Channel 4, branches out onto digital,goes against all agreements and places all new shows and series onto free new channel which isn't free as you have to pay for a box to watch it. Sucks ass.
Channel 5
Free channel that some of the country can't get and won't as arials or it won't be put all over Britain. Can get if you get free Digital, which isn't actually free! Now shows better film than other channels but still can't recieve it
A helpfull tip when looking for a bit of smut on TV is to avoid ITV and BBC1. When these channels have new dramas that may claim to have nudity in them by showing saucys trailers that make you think, "This looks a bit raunchy". Then you sit through two hours of crap and then when it continues the next night for another two hours you realise that it was shit and there was no feamale nudity but you did see Robson Greene, Jerome Flynn and John Thaw's arse!
Try to watch late night Channel 4 or foreign BBC2 films for a bit of 'Hows your father'. Just avoid mainstream TV.
If you want to piss of television companies you should always watch the first episode of any new series, especially ones that go on for several months. The TV channel will think, "we're onto a winner here", then casually laugh as you never watch it again like the rest of the public seem to do and the channel will scraps the series and then go and buy some cheap American unfunny shit like 'Will and Grace'.
However the good programs that get a regular audience (even if it's only about 2 million) and fanatical fans such as, Buffy, Dr Who, The X-files, Players and Brimstone, will be constantly moved around in the schedule, taken off and replaced when the channel feels like it. The audience will then be told that it didn't have enough viewers and the show will be scrapped and replace dwith sport, soaps and docu-dramas.
Then TV will only spend stupid money on ratings winners such as 'Walking with Dinosaurs', more episodes of Eastenders and thousands of Game shows.
Television is desperate for you, the viewer, to watch every new docu-drama, soap or reality TV programme, and to identify with every single new youth programme. The current list of shows they are trying to force you to watch by mass hype and terrorist publicity are:
Big Brother
Shipwrecked 2
Public Property
Popstars
Everything on E4
The new and improved Ten o'clock news
Television is getting rubbish but it's now getting difficult to sort the wheat from the chaff. So here's a helpfull guide and some worthless comments on the good and bad.
Big Brother
Really a poor man's version of 'MTV's The Real World'. A load of people stuck in a house to see how they deal with each other, weekly challenges can gain them cash that can be spent on weekly necestites (food, bog roll, fags etc). Every week the group get to secretly nominate the two peole they hate living with the most in a specially constructed 'diary room', the public then choose from the two which one they want to leave. The winner at the end of the show gets a shed load of cash.
Cameras are set up in the special set which film their every move (except toilet activities though not showering). They have no contact with the outside world but can vent frustrations in the diary room whenever they feel or are called by 'Big Brother' a faceless voice behind the cameras, to see how they are doing.
Amazingly it worked as a show (the idea bought from a German version). You could choose from the line up who you liked and didn't. The newspapers went into overdrive during a boring summer of news and made the shows nominations a national campaign. My faves were Darren. Caroline and the monster that was 'Mel and Tom'.
There wasn't as many arguments as in 'Shipwrecked' and 'Castaway 2000'. Tasks given to them kept it from getting boring. Luckily I avoided the Media frenzy when the showed eneded as I was in the USA, but I can say the US 'BB' was shit as they were so prudish and dull! After this came BB2 which was OK but pushing it a bit by trying to have characters shag and now they reckon BB3 will be coming. Stop before you kill it!!!
Big Brother 2
Big Bro 2 was avoided in my household until a few weeks had past, and luckily I missed most of the crap arguments that always occur in the first weeek. I didn't like most of the characters this time. The public apparantley took to the most retarded couple Helen and Paul, who couldn't string a sentence together. I like Dean and Elizabeth who were known as the dull people, they pointed out the stupidity of the others by acting as the parents of the group.
Who Want's to be a Millionaire
Run of the mill quiz show but you can win a million! Horrible 'Tarrant' hosts, middle class white people get soap questions wrong but know who was the eighth Earl of Bishopsgate was (because he's their great,great grandfather). Only good idea for the show is the 'Phone a friend' option' where you call an imbicile you know who never helps. US version far superior as it has a funny host and easy questions, "What's your name?". Then 'Celebrity Millionaire' then 'Couples Millionaire'. What about 'Where are the viewers Millionaire?' Now you can by the board game, computer game, text message phone game, toilet roll and official 'WHTBAM' artificial heart.
Hollyoaks
Bit rubbish teen soap, not as good as it used to be because it has female cast always showing nipples (it must be very cold in Chester). This might sound good in a Baywatch way, but at least the old shows had half decent plots and likeable characters the new ones do not. Phil Redmond the producers decided to do a more adult version with the older cast, called Hollyoaks - Movin On.
Hollyoaks - Movin On
CRAP! Has riskier character who have sex, talk about sex and get raped, beaten up or vomited/shit on. Hilarious! Takes all the worst bits of Hollyoaks and sticks them under a microscope.
Castaway 2000
Horrible people stuck on an beautiful island, (see shipwrecked), featured posh crying men, gay angry crying men, lots of crying women and kids, black angry christian who dislikes gay man and posh people makes them cry, snobby grumpy posh doctor and family and an excellent drunk angry old guy who left as he made everyone a bit tense!!! Nothing happens everyday, everyone angry and crying. All risk getting chicken pox, all angry, all come home with happy memories.
Popstars
Mullet man holds auditions, slags everyone off, selects best of bunch, forms popband 'Here'say', they go platinum, he cuts his hair. Excellent, show of the year. Final episode ruined by being live and having Davina McCall (she should stay on her own shows). Now there are about a millio other talentless show. Petstars, Soapstars, Search for a model and 'Find a member of the public who isn't a fucking idiotstars'.
Popstars Australia
Far superior than the UK version. Cuddly judges provide entertainment and not destruction of peoples characters.All girls chosen seem very nice and don't argue over everything. The show was bounced about in a Saturday afternon slot, like ITV didn't know what to do with this import. It was originally on ITV2, where it must have done crap to get such bad treatment on ITV1. Sexy girlband 'Bardot' created, very little success in UK but well poular in OZ.
Public Property
Shit. I won't even review it! Hosted by the talented Kay Adams and sadly made localy.
Shipwrecked 1 and 2
Youths who whinge on island, all gay, bi, smelly, veggies, virgins and slappers. All hate each other, try to cop-off and fail, all get sunstroke as drunk and lazy, hate island, some escape, when show ends all say they wish they hadn't done it. Shipwrecked2 exactly the same with some New Zeland people (or Aussies,who cares no-one watched)
Eastenders
All new and improved Eastenders, is not as good as it used to be. Not funny any more, every week a new script writer completely changes a characters essence and makes them like a mental patient. Mel's gone crap along with, now not nasty 'Nick Cotton' but a prat, whiney Lisa, rubbish Jamie and his rubbish non-plot with Sonja. Steve own still rules. Who shot Phil plot not actually good, lasts about four weeks and killer is highly unlikely as moaning Lisa who is pregnant.
Steve Owen who's now left shows acting abilities in his hair. If it's slick then he's doing alright for himsle but if it's messed up then his life is going down the pan.
New Eastenders plots involve incest, rape and other fun plots. Lisa still pregnant amazingly!
Da Ali G Show
Unfunny jewish comedian (not David Bloody Bub, he's funny) dresses and talks like a stereotypical black gangsta. Has comedy interviews with famous people who should know better, but believe he's genuine. Then develops another character that it Russian called Borat who we find out is also crap (like Steve Coogan's dire 'Tony Ferino'). Ali G then amuses singer Madonna (who love Brit humour) and appears in her 'Music' video (is unfunny again!), host MTV Awards (is still unfunny!) and is soon to be in a film (which will be as shit as 'Bean - The Movie' or 'Kevin and Perry go Large'). British comedians are never funny on the big screen. See 'The Boys in Blue', 'Morons in Space', 'Clockwise' and some shit Steve Coogan movie.
This is My Moment
Following a failed solo pop career Mel B (ex-Spice Girl) presents what amounts to a singing talent show. Each week members of the public sing (great plot) and the eventual one winner could be a famous singer with the shows help and publicity and hard cash. Waste your money phoning in to say they were all shit to fund a one hit wonders career.
Lucy Sullivan is getting married
Lucy Sullivan is getting cancelled, again. Crap show with potential gets put on at stupid time is cancelled halfway through run. Re-shown year after at even stupider time gets cancelled again before series is over. Replaced with 'Worlds funniest animals' (a lie!) and then with new Public Property and then Crossroads.
New series of 'Dawsons Creek'
New series at rubbish time and on stupid days. Show has lost it's once good comedy duo, now they dislike each other. McPhee leaves, characters have sex. (Will go the same way as Louis and ClarK/New adventure of Superman and Ellen).
Big Breakfast
Un-supervised Donna Air is let loose on show,Paul Tonkinson presents (now sacked as shit), now just get rid of other new bint and the show is saved. Mike McClean is a retard who should be fired to, he clearly doesn't want to be on the show and shows it! Dumb bitch Amanda 'something' ruins show by being a bit ruff and not actually being funny. Only saved by Wayne Hemmingways fashion section!
Ally McBeal
Quite good show with annoying bint main character.Trys to find decent men. Has funnier lawyer friends, she should be killed off. New series saved by Robert Downey Jnr. Sadly on E4. And now it's on C4 Roberts only in it for a few episodes cause they sacked him for drug offences, fools!
Dog Eat Dog
Ulrika "can't keep a man" Johnson, host a show like the 'Krypton Factor' but these contestants hate each other. The show is lame and the tension is non-existant.
New Casualty
Like the old one but more 'SEXUAL TENSION' and affairs. Has crap watered down theme and not enough Charlie! Character Patrick gets grumpier every episode and can only be opened up by vixen females that he usually acts grumpy with.
Anything on E4
Unfair Channel 4, branches out onto digital,goes against all agreements and places all new shows and series onto free new channel which isn't free as you have to pay for a box to watch it. Sucks ass.
Channel 5
Free channel that some of the country can't get and won't as arials or it won't be put all over Britain. Can get if you get free Digital, which isn't actually free! Now shows better film than other channels but still can't recieve it
A helpfull tip when looking for a bit of smut on TV is to avoid ITV and BBC1. When these channels have new dramas that may claim to have nudity in them by showing saucys trailers that make you think, "This looks a bit raunchy". Then you sit through two hours of crap and then when it continues the next night for another two hours you realise that it was shit and there was no feamale nudity but you did see Robson Greene, Jerome Flynn and John Thaw's arse!
Try to watch late night Channel 4 or foreign BBC2 films for a bit of 'Hows your father'. Just avoid mainstream TV.
If you want to piss of television companies you should always watch the first episode of any new series, especially ones that go on for several months. The TV channel will think, "we're onto a winner here", then casually laugh as you never watch it again like the rest of the public seem to do and the channel will scraps the series and then go and buy some cheap American unfunny shit like 'Will and Grace'.
However the good programs that get a regular audience (even if it's only about 2 million) and fanatical fans such as, Buffy, Dr Who, The X-files, Players and Brimstone, will be constantly moved around in the schedule, taken off and replaced when the channel feels like it. The audience will then be told that it didn't have enough viewers and the show will be scrapped and replace dwith sport, soaps and docu-dramas.
Then TV will only spend stupid money on ratings winners such as 'Walking with Dinosaurs', more episodes of Eastenders and thousands of Game shows.
Rant+What I love 2000
I was going to write a piece on the banning of Mariyln Manson gigs in the US, and that his music isn't to blame for kids going into schools and shooting people but that it's education that causes it or lack of.
Kids are being taught at school that they have to be clever and be top of the class and if they aren't that they are failures. That they have to dress a certain way or their an outcast to the other kids taht you must like these things your taught and not those strange things that your into etc.
Kids should be taught about individuality so they can be themselves, that being able to regurgitate answers to tests doesn't mean you have smarts in the real world on how to cook or pay bills or cope with not having met your soul partner. The things that you are taught might not come a cross in the real world, pressure and stress and anger are also things you might not be ale to deal with because algebra was thought more important.
Kids who don't fit in are not taught that they as special as the next person, they are individuals with different ways of contributing, they may be artistic or musical or creative, but we are told that these are not as important as sport or maths or english. Other kids snigger at you for being differnt in the way you dress or if you are gay or like old music or if your just plain 'different'.
This is why kids are killing. Their parents don't think theres anything wrong with the school education, "your going to learn about life son". No! You only learn the bad thing about life, bullying, having to fit in, having to be clever, not to think or question your elders etc.
Kids aren't able to be themselves totaly through fear, thay aren't taught how to cope with the real world thay are trying to be moulded by people who think they know best when they fucking don't.
But anyway I wasn't goin to talk about that, I wanna talk about what makes me happy and then I'd like to find out what makes you happy.
When I was young I can't remember being that happy as a kid, I don't know why exactly but I just was a bit grumpy, not all the time although most photographs show me in a strop.
Now I'm older I still have my dark days which I always though was just me but I now realise that most of the world isn't happy and I could be a lot worse off.
The things that make me happy are...
REM songs - Shiny Happy People, Finest Worksong, Stand. These songs always make me bounce about the room and I love shouting out the words.
Getting Post - I love getting mail, but not junk or bills, it's great to know that people want to write to you.
Squirrels - From a distance it's comical watching these animals, it's like watching old Chaplin films, there speeded up and a frame is missins so they look all jumpy. A bit like a daytime strobelight effect!
Fresh grass - Might occasionally smell a bit like poo but mostly smell fresh and fragrant.
Rain - when it rains and your inside warm next to a fire, usually winter. Or when your out in the rain and you don't care and everybody else is panicking and running to sheleter.
Women/ girls who don't know they're beautiful - They are and that's why I like them, they don't have to act sexy or flirty they just exist and it's not just about looks.
Cats - Far to lazy but brilliant all the same.
Sunrise - we don't always see it but we should all head down to a beach or park or piece of open land and watch it more often, it's amazing!
Trying to figure out how the body works - Look! Science can prove it but it's still pretty unbelievable that someone created us, God or whatever. We're far to complicated. The process of having a dump, from eating food to shitting it out is very impressive.
Cups of tea - When your day is shit and someone says, "I'll make you a cup of tea". It puts all the wrongs in the world to right for a few minutes.
Having a poo and reading - When there is nowhere quiet a toilet is a place to go and chill, if it's your own. Take a good book and relax (it's my version of having a bath with the phone off the hook) and wipe, flush and spray.
Jaws - I love this film and all it's seventies-ness. A good old fashioned frightening film. I'll never go in the sea swimming again because of it. Hooray!
Tv hosts - When they mess up big time, like Richard Bacon or when the newspapers take photos of them on holiday. Their not so clean cut like in the old days of Pip Schofield and Andy Crane.
Vanilla Ice - Crap, but I know all the words from his album and I love 'Rosta Man'.
Car music - When your in a car and 80's music comes on the radio and you know thw words. "Don't you forget about me..."
E.R - The episodes where Doug Ross does a DRS (Doug Ross Special), Where he kicks an abusive parents ass and especially the episode when he saves the boy from a water pipe. GO DOUG!
S Club 7's new song - "Don't stop movin to the funky, funky beat", I won't!
Calvin and Hobbes cartoons - So very innocent and so very smart.
Tim Burton - Brought us 'Edward Scissor Hands', 'Pee Wee Herman', 'Mars Attacks', 'Batman', 'Ed Wood', 'Sleepy Hollow' and the soon to be 'Planet of the Apes'. A mad genius!
Monkeys/ Apes/ Orangutangs - They rule, and did. Best in 'BJ and the Bear', 'Any which way you can'/ Every which way but loose', 'Planet of the Apes', 'Dunston checks in' and more!
Monkey! - The old jap martial arts surreal show. Pigsy, Sandy and Monkey were my favourite characters. Monkey flew on a cloud and had a stick that grew.
Please feel free to send me a list of things you like that I might want to get into. This list shouldn't include murder, beastiality or red hot pokers
Kids are being taught at school that they have to be clever and be top of the class and if they aren't that they are failures. That they have to dress a certain way or their an outcast to the other kids taht you must like these things your taught and not those strange things that your into etc.
Kids should be taught about individuality so they can be themselves, that being able to regurgitate answers to tests doesn't mean you have smarts in the real world on how to cook or pay bills or cope with not having met your soul partner. The things that you are taught might not come a cross in the real world, pressure and stress and anger are also things you might not be ale to deal with because algebra was thought more important.
Kids who don't fit in are not taught that they as special as the next person, they are individuals with different ways of contributing, they may be artistic or musical or creative, but we are told that these are not as important as sport or maths or english. Other kids snigger at you for being differnt in the way you dress or if you are gay or like old music or if your just plain 'different'.
This is why kids are killing. Their parents don't think theres anything wrong with the school education, "your going to learn about life son". No! You only learn the bad thing about life, bullying, having to fit in, having to be clever, not to think or question your elders etc.
Kids aren't able to be themselves totaly through fear, thay aren't taught how to cope with the real world thay are trying to be moulded by people who think they know best when they fucking don't.
But anyway I wasn't goin to talk about that, I wanna talk about what makes me happy and then I'd like to find out what makes you happy.
When I was young I can't remember being that happy as a kid, I don't know why exactly but I just was a bit grumpy, not all the time although most photographs show me in a strop.
Now I'm older I still have my dark days which I always though was just me but I now realise that most of the world isn't happy and I could be a lot worse off.
The things that make me happy are...
REM songs - Shiny Happy People, Finest Worksong, Stand. These songs always make me bounce about the room and I love shouting out the words.
Getting Post - I love getting mail, but not junk or bills, it's great to know that people want to write to you.
Squirrels - From a distance it's comical watching these animals, it's like watching old Chaplin films, there speeded up and a frame is missins so they look all jumpy. A bit like a daytime strobelight effect!
Fresh grass - Might occasionally smell a bit like poo but mostly smell fresh and fragrant.
Rain - when it rains and your inside warm next to a fire, usually winter. Or when your out in the rain and you don't care and everybody else is panicking and running to sheleter.
Women/ girls who don't know they're beautiful - They are and that's why I like them, they don't have to act sexy or flirty they just exist and it's not just about looks.
Cats - Far to lazy but brilliant all the same.
Sunrise - we don't always see it but we should all head down to a beach or park or piece of open land and watch it more often, it's amazing!
Trying to figure out how the body works - Look! Science can prove it but it's still pretty unbelievable that someone created us, God or whatever. We're far to complicated. The process of having a dump, from eating food to shitting it out is very impressive.
Cups of tea - When your day is shit and someone says, "I'll make you a cup of tea". It puts all the wrongs in the world to right for a few minutes.
Having a poo and reading - When there is nowhere quiet a toilet is a place to go and chill, if it's your own. Take a good book and relax (it's my version of having a bath with the phone off the hook) and wipe, flush and spray.
Jaws - I love this film and all it's seventies-ness. A good old fashioned frightening film. I'll never go in the sea swimming again because of it. Hooray!
Tv hosts - When they mess up big time, like Richard Bacon or when the newspapers take photos of them on holiday. Their not so clean cut like in the old days of Pip Schofield and Andy Crane.
Vanilla Ice - Crap, but I know all the words from his album and I love 'Rosta Man'.
Car music - When your in a car and 80's music comes on the radio and you know thw words. "Don't you forget about me..."
E.R - The episodes where Doug Ross does a DRS (Doug Ross Special), Where he kicks an abusive parents ass and especially the episode when he saves the boy from a water pipe. GO DOUG!
S Club 7's new song - "Don't stop movin to the funky, funky beat", I won't!
Calvin and Hobbes cartoons - So very innocent and so very smart.
Tim Burton - Brought us 'Edward Scissor Hands', 'Pee Wee Herman', 'Mars Attacks', 'Batman', 'Ed Wood', 'Sleepy Hollow' and the soon to be 'Planet of the Apes'. A mad genius!
Monkeys/ Apes/ Orangutangs - They rule, and did. Best in 'BJ and the Bear', 'Any which way you can'/ Every which way but loose', 'Planet of the Apes', 'Dunston checks in' and more!
Monkey! - The old jap martial arts surreal show. Pigsy, Sandy and Monkey were my favourite characters. Monkey flew on a cloud and had a stick that grew.
Please feel free to send me a list of things you like that I might want to get into. This list shouldn't include murder, beastiality or red hot pokers
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