Please don't turn me on,(some non-entity sang recently), but it seems television is asking, "please turn me on, please don't switch off I'm begging you ".
Television is desperate for you, the viewer, to watch every new docu-drama, soap or reality TV programme, and to identify with every single new youth programme. The current list of shows they are trying to force you to watch by mass hype and terrorist publicity are:
Big Brother
Shipwrecked 2
Public Property
Popstars
Everything on E4
The new and improved Ten o'clock news
Television is getting rubbish but it's now getting difficult to sort the wheat from the chaff. So here's a helpfull guide and some worthless comments on the good and bad.
Big Brother
Really a poor man's version of 'MTV's The Real World'. A load of people stuck in a house to see how they deal with each other, weekly challenges can gain them cash that can be spent on weekly necestites (food, bog roll, fags etc). Every week the group get to secretly nominate the two peole they hate living with the most in a specially constructed 'diary room', the public then choose from the two which one they want to leave. The winner at the end of the show gets a shed load of cash.
Cameras are set up in the special set which film their every move (except toilet activities though not showering). They have no contact with the outside world but can vent frustrations in the diary room whenever they feel or are called by 'Big Brother' a faceless voice behind the cameras, to see how they are doing.
Amazingly it worked as a show (the idea bought from a German version). You could choose from the line up who you liked and didn't. The newspapers went into overdrive during a boring summer of news and made the shows nominations a national campaign. My faves were Darren. Caroline and the monster that was 'Mel and Tom'.
There wasn't as many arguments as in 'Shipwrecked' and 'Castaway 2000'. Tasks given to them kept it from getting boring. Luckily I avoided the Media frenzy when the showed eneded as I was in the USA, but I can say the US 'BB' was shit as they were so prudish and dull! After this came BB2 which was OK but pushing it a bit by trying to have characters shag and now they reckon BB3 will be coming. Stop before you kill it!!!
Big Brother 2
Big Bro 2 was avoided in my household until a few weeks had past, and luckily I missed most of the crap arguments that always occur in the first weeek. I didn't like most of the characters this time. The public apparantley took to the most retarded couple Helen and Paul, who couldn't string a sentence together. I like Dean and Elizabeth who were known as the dull people, they pointed out the stupidity of the others by acting as the parents of the group.
Who Want's to be a Millionaire
Run of the mill quiz show but you can win a million! Horrible 'Tarrant' hosts, middle class white people get soap questions wrong but know who was the eighth Earl of Bishopsgate was (because he's their great,great grandfather). Only good idea for the show is the 'Phone a friend' option' where you call an imbicile you know who never helps. US version far superior as it has a funny host and easy questions, "What's your name?". Then 'Celebrity Millionaire' then 'Couples Millionaire'. What about 'Where are the viewers Millionaire?' Now you can by the board game, computer game, text message phone game, toilet roll and official 'WHTBAM' artificial heart.
Hollyoaks
Bit rubbish teen soap, not as good as it used to be because it has female cast always showing nipples (it must be very cold in Chester). This might sound good in a Baywatch way, but at least the old shows had half decent plots and likeable characters the new ones do not. Phil Redmond the producers decided to do a more adult version with the older cast, called Hollyoaks - Movin On.
Hollyoaks - Movin On
CRAP! Has riskier character who have sex, talk about sex and get raped, beaten up or vomited/shit on. Hilarious! Takes all the worst bits of Hollyoaks and sticks them under a microscope.
Castaway 2000
Horrible people stuck on an beautiful island, (see shipwrecked), featured posh crying men, gay angry crying men, lots of crying women and kids, black angry christian who dislikes gay man and posh people makes them cry, snobby grumpy posh doctor and family and an excellent drunk angry old guy who left as he made everyone a bit tense!!! Nothing happens everyday, everyone angry and crying. All risk getting chicken pox, all angry, all come home with happy memories.
Popstars
Mullet man holds auditions, slags everyone off, selects best of bunch, forms popband 'Here'say', they go platinum, he cuts his hair. Excellent, show of the year. Final episode ruined by being live and having Davina McCall (she should stay on her own shows). Now there are about a millio other talentless show. Petstars, Soapstars, Search for a model and 'Find a member of the public who isn't a fucking idiotstars'.
Popstars Australia
Far superior than the UK version. Cuddly judges provide entertainment and not destruction of peoples characters.All girls chosen seem very nice and don't argue over everything. The show was bounced about in a Saturday afternon slot, like ITV didn't know what to do with this import. It was originally on ITV2, where it must have done crap to get such bad treatment on ITV1. Sexy girlband 'Bardot' created, very little success in UK but well poular in OZ.
Public Property
Shit. I won't even review it! Hosted by the talented Kay Adams and sadly made localy.
Shipwrecked 1 and 2
Youths who whinge on island, all gay, bi, smelly, veggies, virgins and slappers. All hate each other, try to cop-off and fail, all get sunstroke as drunk and lazy, hate island, some escape, when show ends all say they wish they hadn't done it. Shipwrecked2 exactly the same with some New Zeland people (or Aussies,who cares no-one watched)
Eastenders
All new and improved Eastenders, is not as good as it used to be. Not funny any more, every week a new script writer completely changes a characters essence and makes them like a mental patient. Mel's gone crap along with, now not nasty 'Nick Cotton' but a prat, whiney Lisa, rubbish Jamie and his rubbish non-plot with Sonja. Steve own still rules. Who shot Phil plot not actually good, lasts about four weeks and killer is highly unlikely as moaning Lisa who is pregnant.
Steve Owen who's now left shows acting abilities in his hair. If it's slick then he's doing alright for himsle but if it's messed up then his life is going down the pan.
New Eastenders plots involve incest, rape and other fun plots. Lisa still pregnant amazingly!
Da Ali G Show
Unfunny jewish comedian (not David Bloody Bub, he's funny) dresses and talks like a stereotypical black gangsta. Has comedy interviews with famous people who should know better, but believe he's genuine. Then develops another character that it Russian called Borat who we find out is also crap (like Steve Coogan's dire 'Tony Ferino'). Ali G then amuses singer Madonna (who love Brit humour) and appears in her 'Music' video (is unfunny again!), host MTV Awards (is still unfunny!) and is soon to be in a film (which will be as shit as 'Bean - The Movie' or 'Kevin and Perry go Large'). British comedians are never funny on the big screen. See 'The Boys in Blue', 'Morons in Space', 'Clockwise' and some shit Steve Coogan movie.
This is My Moment
Following a failed solo pop career Mel B (ex-Spice Girl) presents what amounts to a singing talent show. Each week members of the public sing (great plot) and the eventual one winner could be a famous singer with the shows help and publicity and hard cash. Waste your money phoning in to say they were all shit to fund a one hit wonders career.
Lucy Sullivan is getting married
Lucy Sullivan is getting cancelled, again. Crap show with potential gets put on at stupid time is cancelled halfway through run. Re-shown year after at even stupider time gets cancelled again before series is over. Replaced with 'Worlds funniest animals' (a lie!) and then with new Public Property and then Crossroads.
New series of 'Dawsons Creek'
New series at rubbish time and on stupid days. Show has lost it's once good comedy duo, now they dislike each other. McPhee leaves, characters have sex. (Will go the same way as Louis and ClarK/New adventure of Superman and Ellen).
Big Breakfast
Un-supervised Donna Air is let loose on show,Paul Tonkinson presents (now sacked as shit), now just get rid of other new bint and the show is saved. Mike McClean is a retard who should be fired to, he clearly doesn't want to be on the show and shows it! Dumb bitch Amanda 'something' ruins show by being a bit ruff and not actually being funny. Only saved by Wayne Hemmingways fashion section!
Ally McBeal
Quite good show with annoying bint main character.Trys to find decent men. Has funnier lawyer friends, she should be killed off. New series saved by Robert Downey Jnr. Sadly on E4. And now it's on C4 Roberts only in it for a few episodes cause they sacked him for drug offences, fools!
Dog Eat Dog
Ulrika "can't keep a man" Johnson, host a show like the 'Krypton Factor' but these contestants hate each other. The show is lame and the tension is non-existant.
New Casualty
Like the old one but more 'SEXUAL TENSION' and affairs. Has crap watered down theme and not enough Charlie! Character Patrick gets grumpier every episode and can only be opened up by vixen females that he usually acts grumpy with.
Anything on E4
Unfair Channel 4, branches out onto digital,goes against all agreements and places all new shows and series onto free new channel which isn't free as you have to pay for a box to watch it. Sucks ass.
Channel 5
Free channel that some of the country can't get and won't as arials or it won't be put all over Britain. Can get if you get free Digital, which isn't actually free! Now shows better film than other channels but still can't recieve it
A helpfull tip when looking for a bit of smut on TV is to avoid ITV and BBC1. When these channels have new dramas that may claim to have nudity in them by showing saucys trailers that make you think, "This looks a bit raunchy". Then you sit through two hours of crap and then when it continues the next night for another two hours you realise that it was shit and there was no feamale nudity but you did see Robson Greene, Jerome Flynn and John Thaw's arse!
Try to watch late night Channel 4 or foreign BBC2 films for a bit of 'Hows your father'. Just avoid mainstream TV.
If you want to piss of television companies you should always watch the first episode of any new series, especially ones that go on for several months. The TV channel will think, "we're onto a winner here", then casually laugh as you never watch it again like the rest of the public seem to do and the channel will scraps the series and then go and buy some cheap American unfunny shit like 'Will and Grace'.
However the good programs that get a regular audience (even if it's only about 2 million) and fanatical fans such as, Buffy, Dr Who, The X-files, Players and Brimstone, will be constantly moved around in the schedule, taken off and replaced when the channel feels like it. The audience will then be told that it didn't have enough viewers and the show will be scrapped and replace dwith sport, soaps and docu-dramas.
Then TV will only spend stupid money on ratings winners such as 'Walking with Dinosaurs', more episodes of Eastenders and thousands of Game shows.
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