Cabin Fever is poo!

Crap Bin Fever – Teen Romp Horror by Numbers!

Ok so I've only just seen it, but at least I'm not reviewing it on hype, and if you haven't seen it this is a warning to just take it as a load of poop!

Six minutes in and it makes no sense! ‘Paul’ The Kid from ‘Boy Meets World’ (not that one, the other one!) gets bitten by a nutty mute kid (outside a general store in the middle of nowhere Hicksville) who’s stolen from ‘Deliverance’, then goes around back to wash his hands in some dirty stream and is approached by two stray dogs… Now at this point you might think he’d get bitten by them but no they’re friendly.

Now there’s nothing wrong with that except the fact, “he’s just been bitten by nutty mute kid”, why the bloomin hell would he not be weary of these two dogs. Dogs can be totally un-predictable so why does ‘Paul’ stroke the dogs; he also has a bloody hand. Mmmm the smell of blood could excite the dogs into a frenzy but “No” that isn’t even in his mind even though "HE JUST GOT BITTEN BY A NUTTY MUTE KID!" Fuck’s sake!

Oh and at the shop were introduced to a red neck guy and a dude who looks like father X-mass who says the N-word (It’s racist santa!).And are we meant to hate all these characters form the outset of the film? They certainly come across as horrid!

The Guilty---

Paul – a goddamn wuss! And possibly meant to represent everyman!

Geoff – What’s with the blonde hair and sunglasses man, is that a euro porn look you got going on? He definitely has arse issues. He likes stuff up the bum from his girl! He’s the bitch!

Burke – NRA type guy. Redneck, hick and utter moron! Has to die!

Karen – A blonde, dull, possible lesbian tease to poor Paul!

Big Boobs – The other one. A swearing slut stereotype!


1) Burke’s fire ‘would have’ burnt the fuck out of that forest. So why did he freak out after shooting that guy with an air rifle? Because of his manky face? There are no signs at that point the guy is diseased, he’s just a bit scabby… not contagious with a mutant zombie killer manky disease!!!

2) Eli Roth (the director) stars in the film as Slacker Dude and show’s he can’t act, his timing is way out and his character doesn’t suit the mood of the film.

3) After the group set alight homeless type dude they act really really calm about it. But then Big Boobs suddenly flips out (after being cool) and Burke remains calm, when he’s always angry? They totally reverse roles!

4) Then Burke, Paul and Geoff have a pointless argument about nothing except maybe to show tension and that there not close at all. Why did they go away together then?

5) When nothing happens eerie music kicks in to help add some non-existent tension.

6) Why does Big Boobs think rowing to get help/find the homeless guy is a good idea? She doesn’t know the place at all and was scared of being alone at one point? But at least we get some scary music and some focusing on Big Boob’s skin tight jeans/bottom for a few pointless minutes!

Deputy Winston Olsen (who I think rocks) but again doesn’t suit the mood of the film, acts about 16 years old and not a cop turns up! Has a nice stick on mustache, rides a bicycle and informs us he gets pussy and thinks Paul is a guy who like to ‘Party’ with the ladies. How wrong is he!

7) A wild rabid dog comes out of nowhere and Paul is scared straight away, which makes a change compared to earlier!

8) Then everytime people drink the water the music gets spooky. Does this signify that the water is dirty? If you think yes then how come nobody else in the town is infected all ready? Surely they all drink the same water? Is it from the lake, or is it the houses own supply, then why does the lorry at the end mean anything? Not sure if the writers know 100%.

9) Everyone strips down to frumpy vests and shorts to see if they are infected with “The Mank”, Big Boobs has really frumpy pants and vest. How come, they all have the same type of undies? Big Boobs would have had saucy knickers!

10) Karen gets locked in the shed, copying many films and looking a bit Evil Dead like! Nobody remembers the scary dog introduced earlier, it’s been totally forgotten for this scene!

11) Scary dog is remembered when nothing is happening to push the plot forward!

12) Burke realizes he has “The Mank” and so does Karen! But we don’t care!

13) Big Boobs and Paul “fuck” unconvincingly, just so we can see her tits and up the age rating of the film. Probably because the writers can’t do conversations!

14) Paul washes his knob with Listerine whilst Big Boobs show us her boobs again in the bathroom mirror and to show she may have “The Mank”.

15) A fuuny bit for no reason! Burke goes back to the shop and Dennis (biting boy) now has a sign behind him, “Do not sit next to Dennis!”. Dennis freaks out and shouts “Pancakes” and does some crazy Kung-Fu shit and bites Burke thus getting “The Mank”!

16) Paul goes to find Geoff who ran off and sees a dead body floating upside down in the water (its obvious it’s not Geoff!). He goes to check if it’s Geoff (It still isn’t), but he can’t reach and grabs a branch and climbs down a rickety unsafe/untested ladder to get closer (Paul for fuck sake it’s so not him!). He leans and touches the body. It flips over and it’s not Geoff (Damn!), it’s the tramp dude! Paul brakes the rickety ladder and falls in thus getting “The Mank” (we presume, though he did shag big boobs and drink some water and stuff).

17) Big Boobs has a bath and discovers she has “The Mank”, it looks like we might not see her boobs, then we dude! Phew! We here a gunshot and Big Boobs runs outside in dressing gown (Cripes clothes!) and the scary dog turns up (remember him!) and we see from his point of view (a low down camera with a red filter!). It has “The Mank”.

18) Big Boobs is killed by the scary dog and Karen is noshed on. Paul finds bits of Big Boobs and foes to check on the body of Karen, she is all skeleton faced and alive!!! Paul gets balls and batters her to death!

19) There is a comedy shoot out with Burke and Paul getting revenge on shop Rednecks (thought Burke dies, hoorah!). It’s funny but totally over the top!

20) For no reason Paul realizes that the water is to blame (or did I blink?). “Geoff! Don’t drink the water!”. That explains everything!!!

21) Paul is in an accident with a rubbish deer and slaughters it and get’s a ton of blood on hid face. He must have “The Mank” now!

22) Paul comes across partying Deputy Dude and pals! A radio police report makes everyone turn on Paul (except Deputy dude!) and Pauls coughs up blood but not on everyone and yet one of the party people suddenly coughs up blood! Is there no time on “The Mank”? It took Karen ages to get infected! Crikey scarper dudes! Oh no, “The Mank” might spread!

23) Paul run’s off! The only point of the film now is if there is a twist or a spooky type ending. There is no reason for more film. Paul must die! Later Paul turns up in hospital to tell the cops about “The Mank”.

24) Geoff’s not dead and stumbles out of hiding. He goes abck to the lodge and see’s all the crazy shit tha’s happened! He goes into Oscar acting mode showing his range of emotions and en’s on elation! Wher by he is shot byt the deputy’s! we learn they are there to clean up by burning and disposing of the bodies! Containment!

25) Except for the fact Paul’s body suddenly tun’s up dumoed by the river! Why for fuck’s sake? Does this mean he will leak “The Mank” in the river?

26) hang on ther’s some kids collecting water from the river! But why? They are making lemonade (why not from the tap?) to sell outside the store, to the deput’s!

27) Some awful black sterotypes turn up listening to R n’ B! they enter Santa’s store, remember he said the N-word earlier! He is down with them and speaks ‘black speak’ (I’m being sarcastic here and mocking the writers who were so obviously white writing that bit)! then suddenly ton’s of tourists turn up (where’s infected Dennis gone?) and they are buying lemonade and then we see a truck with “Down Home Spring Water” on it! This means the world will be infected. Oh Christ! Damn! Shit! That’s it whilst the credit’s are going I’m gonna slit my wrists! Oh Christ! Hang on there’s a bit at the end! I’s Santa in the shop! What’s he sayin, “Arrgh, Word!”. Black Speak from an old white guy, hilarious. No, soory I’m still depressed from the down beat ending and my wrists are leaking and I’m starting to feel c...